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Copyright © 2014 by Noah Daniels
How Will I Know When I am Ready?
Dating before you ever get married is a feat in itself to conquer but dating after divorce is a whole new ballgame. You can quickly discover that all of the rules have changed and you may get discouraged quickly. Oh sure, you can still expect the butterflies in your stomach and wondering what you should wear but the entire concept has really changed.
Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of divorce in my time. Some were for good and valid reasons and some were not. Regardless, you really do need to take the time to heal and get to know yourself before looking for companionship so it can be a healthy relationship. Many times it seems like people feel like they need to find someone new as soon as they are divorced. Some people for that matter find someone before the divorce is ever final. They are replacing one problem for another right away because they have not given themselves time to heal. A friend once told me that she does not feel whole unless she has a man to take care of. That statement in itself needs psychological evaluation.
Right now I have three separate friends who are either going through a divorce or have divorced. I am fifteen years into my second marriage, myself. As I watch the differences between the three friends, who by the way are handling things differently, I see a trend. Two of the three friends have decided to not only seek out a new companion before they are even close to a divorce, but also to commit to one too. The third friend, Tracey, decided after a bad marriage to a man with whom she shared a child with that she would give herself a long period of time to get to know herself and her daughter all over again. She was young, in her twenties so she had time to spare.
Tracey actually gave herself three years before she decided it was time to expand. As a result, she has been married to Darnell for years; they are very happy and have had more children together. They had an opportunity to date and get to know each other before they got engaged and married. Having said that, it is very important to be comfortable in your own skin before you can bring anything to the table for your next relationship. Then it is time to start dating again.
To be sure if you are ready to put yourself on the dating block here are a few things to consider; what do you usually talk about when you meet your best friend for a drink? If it has to do with your ex, you might want to wait. If you think online dating services are for freaks, you might want to wait. If you compare everyone that you meet to your ex, you’re probably not ready. If the lyrics of every song seem to symbolize something about your ex, again, you might want to give yourself a bit more time.
If you are suffering from lack of self worth and do not go through the motions to correct the problem, you will find out very soon that you will end up being attracted to and attracted by more people who look at you negatively. Yet, if you carry yourself with confidence you will be amazed at the difference. There is nothing greater than watching a person who is confident in themselves walk into a room because regardless of their physical attractiveness, you can actually see the room notice this person automatically. The confidence reflects and generates from this person. It is the people who do not carry themselves with confidence are like wall flowers at a party. Even the guy carrying a tray of drinks will walk right past them and not even notice.
In order to be successful in dating you are going to have to learn how to trust again. This can be extremely difficult especially if you were lied to or cheated on in your last marriage. Then factor in all of the other factors about not trusting people that you don’t know and keeping your guard up, trust can be very confusing to most of us. It is a gamble but remember you are smarter and wiser this time so when it comes to trust issues there will have to be some level of risk involved at some point. A big mistake that will cause you to lose out on a lot is to think that all relationships cause pain. It will hinder you greatly from finding a lifetime mate.
There are stages of mourning during and after a divorce just like there is with a death. You have to go through all of those stages to become emotionally, physically, and spiritually happy. It is not about how much time it takes, it is about the end result. So go through the mourning, let go, and move on with a healthy and happy you. You may find that for the first time in a long time you have found you again. And better yet, you might even find out that you are a good person and that you really like yourself.
Let your heart beat again. You are divorced from your former partner but do not let that make you bitter against the entire institution of marriage. It is normal to build a protective barrier around your heart after being hurt but once you work through that you have to shed it in order to go forth. No one said that part will be easy either. It will be the hardest obstacle that you will probably ever encounter in your lifetime. It is also very difficult to make your partner pay for the sins of your old partner. In other words, if your ex was a cheater, do not let your new prospect pay for their crime because you are insecure. This is a new beginning and you will sabotage it right away by doing this.
Look at divorce as a new beginning rather than an end. Don’t let yourself live in the past, let go of the bitterness, resentment, and pain. Those who are able to do that will find more joy and happiness down the road. If it was you that caused the pain then own up to it, accept it, and forgive yourself. If you don’t, you will bring a lot of baggage to your next relationship. If the pain was inflicted by your partner, then as hard as it will be, you have to come to terms with some type of forgiveness. The pain is there for a reason but if you do not dump it somewhere else you will be surrounded by negativity and it will be very hard for you to advance.
Where Do I Even Begin?
The biggest question then is exactly where you are going to find someone to date. I guess that depends on what it is you are looking for. Are you looking for casual sex or for a potential relationship? Casual sex is everywhere and not at all hard to find but that usually does not consist of much dating. In a day if you do not encounter at least a few casual sex partners then you can always set up an account at different websites like www.adultfriendfinder.com where they are sure to meet all of your needs. The problem with that website when intended for dating purposes is that it is a sexually orientated website and meeting people from there pretty much sends an immediate signal that you are looking for some quick action. Quick action usually doesn’t equal a long term relationship either.
If you decide to use an online dating service, which really can be a good idea, you will want to select one that can match your needs. For example, some cater to those over the age of 35. Decide what it is that you are really looking for. Is it friends with potential, someone for fun times but nothing serious, or are you looking for a serious relationship. Once you have decided that, it will be much easier for you to narrow things down. Is your religion or ethnicity important to you? If it is we can narrow things down a bit further now. How much money do you have to spend on this dating service as some are very reasonable and others can
Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG
Texte: Noah Daniels
Lektorat: Wolfgang Buschek
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.06.2014
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