How does it feel when you watch everyone around you enjoying life? I’ll tell you. For me it feels like I can’t enjoy it like they can. They laugh, talk to each other so freely, and hanging out with friends in any place. It seems exciting, using the limited time they all have of youth. It feels to them that they have no problems at all; nothing to worry about. Just watching them makes me feel envious. My life is so bland, nothing exciting; that’s what I always thought. If I tell anyone this, what may come out of their mouths is this, “If you want a better life, why not be more open and socialize?
” If only they knew it wasn't so simple for me. I was born being kind of anti-social, a loner. I mean, I can’t even make any friends if they don’t come to me first.
It’s really depressing isn't it, being alone like that all the time? I think it is. But, what keep me going are reading, my music, and writing. When I read, I love to put myself as the characters; having different adventures in every story. Music is another thing; I can sometimes relate to some songs, I feel like it’s always there for me; even when I’m upset. Now writing is a whole different thing, I can write my heart out by writing down what I feel. Each and one of these things is my escape from this world that doesn’t look like it has nothing special to offer me. I still think I exist without a purpose. That’s the life of Leah Knight, which is me, sadly.
The bell signaling the end of lunch rang, so I lifted my bag over my shoulder, and walked to my last class of the day. As I walk to class, which is math, I saw him
, Donovan Grey. I had a crush on him since last year, freshman year. I first saw him in the only class I had with him, which was, how ironic, math class. Of course, it wasn't like a cliche story where the girl first sees a guy and she’s already hooked. Well, it was almost like that, except it took me a while to actually become interested in him. But, there’s the thing, I never talked to him before, and when I say never, I mean never
. But, since I’m not good talking with or even approaching people, specifically him, I’m afraid something stupid might come out of my mouth that I wish I was also born mute. Well, I kind of am sometimes, but still. I didn’t even use the stupid excuse of saying, “Hey, do you have a pencil I could borrow?
” Anyway, I know what you’re thinking, “How can you like him if you never talked to him?
” I can feel if a person is good or not, it’s a vibe I get, kind of like a sixth sense. Not only that, but I feel like we have this connection only I can see. Call me crazy, but I think it’s possible. Well, anyway I liked the guy ever since then. He has those warm looking brown eyes, dark brown hair that looks like mine hanging kind of in front of his eyes, tall frame, tan skin, and has that rocker look that totally works for him. Actually, it was the first thing that I noticed that I like about him. And as for his personality, something tells me that it’s something that hardly any guy would have these days. Something like kindness, respect, smart, funny, caring, loving, romantic, and anything along those lines. For his looks and qualities, I may think he could be the one for me.
To bad he doesn't know I even exist.
I sighed as I took one last look at him, and continued to my class. When I walked through the door, only half the class was here. The class began, but the only thing that went through my mind was, I hope this hour and a half of class ends already. Though, what it seemed like an eternity being in here with immature loud students, the bell rang. Outside, I waited for my ride to get here, and no it‘s not the bus, my dad always gets me. Thinking at seventeen I should be driving by now? I thought that, too, but I don’t mind that I can’t drive yet. Only a little bit. After a while, my dad arrived with the Jeep. I love Jeeps, especially the Wranglers, which is the one we own. My parents say they’ll give it to me once I drove like a pro. As I got in the car on the passenger seat, dad turned to me, “So, how was school today?” Like always, this was my response, “Nothing much,” I said while I shrugged my shoulders. And indeed it was.
Dad parked the car on the drive way, and I immediately got out; going inside the house. I went to my room that my parents call The Cave. Everyday I go straight to my ‘cave’ and do what I always do, listen to my music and read. I mostly stay hidden in my room, away from society. What a life, huh? Being in my room is like a safe house to me, and also like another world, keeping my head in the clouds. I bet that’s what people that have no life do, just create a world they want to live in their heads. It’s really depressing I’m telling you.
At least like an hour later, mom called for dinner, but I said I wasn't hungry. Though, that’s not the only reason I wasn't going to have dinner. I always think of myself fat, so I mostly refuse to eat so I don’t gain too much weight. The reason I think that my body is not good enough is that I never dated before. Yeah, I’m seventeen, never dated, or had my first kiss. So, not many guys take a second glance at me, because I think my body doesn't look appealing to them. That’s when I made the decision of becoming skinnier like all the other girls at my school. All of the other girls look better than me, with their clear smooth face and skinny bodies that made them look beautiful; just what any guy would want to date. My face is not all really that smooth looking, but I’m not saying my face is covered with lots of blemishes, just a little bit, along with a few dark marks from previous acne. Every time I look in the mirror, I see an ugly girl staring back at me. Sometimes I can’t look at myself in the mirror, and if I do, then I have the urge to just break the mirror into pieces with my fists so I can’t look at my reflection. No guy would even want to date an ugly girl like me, not even Donovan.
I just laid on my bed listening to my iPod blasting “Love isn’t Always Fair” by Black Veil Brides in my ears.
You always want the one that you can’t have, ‘cause love isn’t always fair. You are the best romance I’ve never had, ‘cause love isn’t always fair.
I chuckled. I wouldn’t have thought I relate to this song the first time I've heard it.
As the song ended, I switched to another called “Saviour”, also by Black Veil Brides. This song can sometimes make me cry. I always wish I had a savior to save me from loneliness. All I ever wanted was someone to at least notice or care about me like I’m someone important, but I’m usually considered invisible. Sure I have parents that seem like they do care, but I always thought that that’s their job to care. In the inside, for all I know they could dislike me for being a reject. Not turning out to be someone who’s sociable with tons of friends.
So yeah, this is what I normally do for the rest of the day, listen to music to get away, and feel sorry for myself. I’m pathetic.
The next morning was dreadful; I didn’t feel like going to school being an outcast. I forced myself out of bed and got ready. I put on my favorite skinny jeans, black T-shirt with skulls on them, it’s big on me, but I like it that way so no one can notice my fat on my body, and my Vans. I ate my breakfast, and headed out the door with dad right behind me. The ride to school was silent. It always is. Everything in my life is the same, just like a cycle. Wake up in the morning, get ready, go to school, get through the day, stay in my room, sleep, and then it repeats itself.
Dad stopped the car, I got out, and walked to English. The class was fine, because I like reading, so it was a snap passing the class. Today, we were learning the whole concept of symbolism in a story and how to find them.
“So, does anyone know what the color black might symbolize in a story?” asked Mrs. Lopez.
This one was simple, but I wouldn’t say the answer since I’m too shy to talk out loud where the whole class would hear me. No one raised their hands to answer, and when this happens, Mrs. Lopez always picks someone random to answer. And today was not my lucky day. She pointed to me, “Leah, do you know what black could symbolize?” she asked.
"Um...I-I-It symbolizes things like evil or death," I whispered.
"Yes, that's right. Very good, Leah." I then heard someone whisper, "Sounds emo if you ask me." I realized that it came from a boy a row away. My brows frowned hearing this. Does he think that people who are emo are evil or obsessed with death? Or maybe because we like black? I mean, I love the color black and that would be the main reason I'm emo? Not really. I'm considered one, but I'm not evil or obsessed with death. Some people should know emo is short for emotional, which I am. Apparently, that's how I always am. A girl with sensitive emotions.
I ignored the comment, continuing the class. After the discussion with symbolism, we all got assigned to do a group project about it. Well, this is super, I thought. I actually hate doing group assignments, since no one would want me in there group, I was always the only one group-less.
Mrs. Lopez saw me alone with no group, so she called the class to their attention. "Okay, well, it seems that Leah is the only one that needs a group. So, would anyone like to include her?"
No one spoke up; it comes to show people don't really want me. It's just like a kid who's picked last to play in someones team since no one wanted them. I sighed, I mean really, I not so bad. Is it just because they don't know me they wouldn't want me to join their group? What's wrong with me?
"It looks like I'll have to place you somewhere, Leah. Ah, why don't you join those girls over there?" I looked over to the corner of the room and saw the giggling hyenas. I called them that because they're the type to giggle for everything they talk about. Sometimes, I think that they're high, or something, since they laugh and giggle like there's no fucking tomorrow.
I mentally groaned, now wishing that I was obsessed with death cause I really wanted to kill myself right now then work with them. Walking to their table, I dropped my stuff, and sat down. Then, Mrs. Lopez said we have to interview one of the people in the group, and from what you learned from that person, you're suppose to come up with three things that symbolizes them. Sounds pretty easy if I didn't have to work with these giggling girls, but I'm pretty sure I could already come up with three things that can symbolize one of these girls without the interview.
Everyone got started on the assignment, so I turned to my group, but looks like they're not going to start anytime soon. All three girls were just giggling and gossiping about who knows what; I wouldn't give a shit.
I cleared my throat, "Don't you think we should get started on the assignment?" I asked. But, it seems like they didn't even hear me, like I was invisible. It's one of those things I hate. It's when people ignore me when I try to get their attention, or when I'm talking to them. So, not only am I a social outcast, but I'm also invisible. They kept talking like I wasn't even there, so I didn't dare telling them that we have work to do, that means I would be wasting my time and breath.
I was glad class has ended, I seriously couldn't take more of their yapping, it was giving me a headache. My next class was biology, which i despise with all my being. The teacher was so disorganized and what others say, stupid. I couldn't agree with them more. People might think this class held delinquents, they cause nothing but trouble and almost never get in trouble, so I wouldn't know why would I be placed here. Some steal some of his stuff and he would never notice something was missing. Like I said before, the teacher is disorganized. And when the teacher's not looking, students would sneak to his computer, changing their grades. I wouldn’t mind doing it myself, since I'm practically failing.
Anyway, I just walked inside sitting in my desk by the teacher's desk. Before, the tables were arranged in groups. I sat with a group that they were cool to talk to, but we were mostly invisible since we were at the far back of the class in the corner. Sadly, now the tables are in rows, so now I'm by myself being the mute of the class. The teacher even knows I'm a mute and wouldn't speak loud enough to read out loud, so he never picks me to read. What's bad enough about this class, it's that there's 98% of immature guys in this room.
Throughout the entire class period, I wasn't paying attention, biology is so boring, and it would be a miracle if I end up passing the class.
The bell rang for third block, and it's my favorite class. Art. It has always interested me doing creative things. This class has group tables, but I don't mind, the people that sit in my group are cool. I sometimes talk to them, but we just remain as acquaintances with each other.
We were told to do a painting about how our lives would look like to us. I guess this is something simple to do. The way I see my life, it's all bland and gloomy. I got my canvas and brush, now I'm ready to paint. What I imagine of how I'm going to do this is to grab any paint that could be bland and gloomy mix them together on the canvas, and there would be my master piece. I got my paint and got started.
In the last ten minutes of class, our teacher told us we'll be showing our work and explain to everyone how the painting resembles your life. For the record, I'm not a huge fan of presenting something in front of people; sometimes I even freeze up and make a fool of myself, then later on this moment would haunt me forever. Trust me, I've had moments like that that I can't even forget even if I wanted to. It's another thing I hate about myself, I'm too shy, and it stops me from wanting to do something. I can imagine writing a book about how wrong and messed up I am. I could since I'm a writer, but I rather not waste my time writing about what waste of life I am.
I finished cleaning at the same time the bell rang. I grabbed my stuff heading towards lunch. As I walked to lunch, I decided that I should skip it today. I'm still trying to lose weight by not eating, besides I don't think anything they're serving appetizing. Today it seems their giving out mini cheese burgers all wrapped up. It may look decent enough to eat, but it taste like crap to me.
I went to sit in my spot on the floor in a corner outside. I always liked having lunch outside with the fresh air. It's awkward if I had lunch inside sitting next to people I don't know. I took out my Ipod and played "Monster" by Skillet. As I was listening, I spotted Donovan in the lunch line. The only time I ever get to see him is at lunch. I only with I had some classes with him.
He got his lunch and went towards his friends, with me secretly watching him walk away. I know it's kind of stalker-ish, but I can't help it. Every time I look at him I'm filled with joy, but also emptiness; I have a empty hole where my heart should be. Of course, there was a heart in that empty hole, but it seems he has stolen it from me. I just wish he knew I exist and returned the feelings towards me. I will always feel empty inside without love. I don't know, sometimes I think I wasn't made to have someone love me. If it's my fate, then I guess I'll have to accept it instead of waiting for the one. But, I still long for love, crave it, needing it to survive, and if I don't have it, might as well not live. Everyone deserves it, though I have no point in living if I never get it. The thought of never finding someone that could love me brings tears into my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
The whole time I was watching Donovan, but I had to tear my eyes off of him or I'll probably break down into tears. I sighed, the feeling of being weak by crying just makes me feel worthless; I hate it. Why do I have to be the weak, worthless, and ugly girl on this Earth? The Earth doesn't need someone like me living on it. I'm starting to feel hot anger towards myself, and I have to get rid of it. I could kick or hit something, but I'm still in lunch, and people would look at me like I'm crazy. "I know," I whispered to myself. I dug in my back pack finding my thumbtack that I use for emergencies only. By emergencies, I mean when I feel like I need an emotional release. I wouldn't think about cutting; one, I wouldn't go that extreme, and two, I'm not too good with the major pain that will come later. But, this is as close as self-harming it's going to get.
I make sure no one was watching me closely to what I'm about to do, but no one was really paying attention. I glide the tack across my arm, not enough to draw blood, but just a scratch. After a while, I felt normal again, the anger almost gone, but it'll have to do for now. Man, I really wanted to go home and stay in my room. My parents worry about me spending too much time in my room, but I don't give a damn, it's the only place I get to be alone without facing anyone. My room is my shelter from the world.
Finally, the bell rang, though I didn't feel like going to class, so I'll just skip it. I got up and went to the bathroom. I walked in, going straight to the huge stall. You know when there are small stalls along with a big one? Yeah, that one. Settling my bag on the floor, I went and sat on it. Inside my body, I feel pain and so much sadness. The tears that threaten to spill finally came pouring down my cheeks. Why couldn't things appear the way I want them once in a while?
The tears stopped after a while, and luckily no one came in the bathroom and heard me cry. I won't want someone to find me like this and kept telling me what's wrong. I hate it when people ask me if I'm okay, because one, It's not like they actually care, and two, it gets annoying.
It was getting extremely boring just sitting here for the rest of class, but then I thought about the book I had with me. I got off my bag and went to take out my book. As soon as I took it out, I realize I was still in the middle of reading “Out of the Dust”. This was my favorite book to read when I'm feeling down. And I think it's unique, too. The whole story is written in variety of poems. It's also depressing, considering it's the time of The Great Depression. I love how the Character expresses their feelings in this book, it's like I could feel it, too. I was so deep in the story that I wasn't expecting the finial bell to ring. I gathered my things, getting out of the bathroom. Skipping class today was not really my first time doing it. Sometimes, I only skip a class when I'm not in the mood for it. What will my parents think about it? They would ask me why they were notified of me not being in one of my classes. My method, it would be lying. Who doesn't lie about things like this? In the end, they always believe me. But, they think if I ever did, they would turn, mostly my mom, into my therapist. I hate it when they do that, they treat me like I'm a troubled teen. Even thought I kind of am. I want them to treat me like a person, someone who needs someone there for them. They claim that they care about me, but it doesn't seem like it.
I got in the car not saying a word like I always do. I don't feel like having a conversation with my dad. Then again, I never do.
The drive was quick, I got out, leaving to go to my room. As soon as I walked in, I laid on my bed. Just laying there thinking made me realize how unexciting and boring my life is. I don't have friends to hang out with; I'm too shy and quiet. Sometimes I'm lucky to have a few friends, but they'll end up leaving me in the end. They'll forget about me as soon as they're with their other friends. It's like I never entered their lives. When I arrive home, I go straight here, blasting music as I pity myself. I'm all lonely at school, sometimes I spot Donovan, wishing I could at least have a chance with him. He's so near yet so far away. What can I do to change things? That answer to that was still not found.
Still in the process of finishing my book that I was reading today, my mom came in. I was positive that I knew what was going to happen now.
My mom spoke with a questioning look on her face."Leah, I was informed that you weren't in one of your classes today. Why is that? Were you skipping?" I knew it.
I put my poker face on."No, I wasn't skipping. My teacher sometimes mistakes that I'm not there, but I was," I lied like I've been doing all my life. And like the most gullible people I know, my parents believed me. But the talk was not over yet.
"Okay. But, seriously Leah, if you even consider skipping classes, there will be consequences. You know skipping is wrong, and skipping will affect your chances of going to a good Collage. I know your a good girl and would never do that."
I stared at her with my poker face still up, "Yeah, whatever, you can go now. I don't want to hear you with your lectures, your not my therapist you know." If anyone had a mom like mine, they wouldn't want to listen to anything they say. All she does is lecture, lecture, and lecture like there's no fucking tomorrow. I know that she's wants what's best for me, but god, turn down the lecture, please.
"Fine, but remember what I said," she then left my room without another word. Right, like I could forget, it's basically recorded into my brain. I sighed; going back to my reading.
When I was done, I had nothing better to do. Although, I still needed to continue on my story that I've been working for about a month now. Grabbing the pile of papers that were in my drawers, I went to my bed, and got comfy. Now, I started to brain storm.
In one hour of just sitting there, I came up with nothing. I seriously hate writers block. What I really need is some inspiration, and listening to music usually does the trick. I put my Ipod on shuffle, and started playing Tide Began to Rise by Demon Hunter. I remembered how listening to this song made me cry when I was down. It reminded me that sometimes I thought I never belonged in the world. It reminded me that I would always feel alone.
While listening to the song, I still got nothing, so I gave up on this story. Besides, I felt like this story wasn't going anywhere. I have to come up with something new and more exciting, enjoyable even, but what ever I'll come up with something soon.
I always thought I had potential as a writer. My earlier stories I've created came out as a good success. Though, for me to create a good story, I need like a strong inspiration, or it may pop in my head out of nowhere.
Much later, I heard my stomach growl. Of course I haven't eaten almost all day. I got off my bed, heading to the kitchen. I really didn't want to eat a big meal, so I just got a snack of strawberry Pop-Tarts. Like always, I saw my parents in the second living room working their heads off. All they ever do is work that they don't have time for anything anymore. It wasn't always like this, they use to have time for me when I wanted to talk when I felt too lonely. But now I feel even more alone since they barely have time to talk to me.
I remember the times when we would sometimes bond. But now, every time I tried to at least have a conversation with them, they would snap at me, telling me that they have no time for talking.
I actually miss the old days.
Exiting the kitchen with my Pop-Tart in my hand, I took a last look at my parents before heading to my room. Sitting down at my computer, it reminds me that I still didn't come up with a new story yet. I sat down on my chair, clicking the icon for the internet, and a few seconds later the window popped up. Going to the site where I usually go to, which is where you can blog, post pictures, add people as friends, almost like Facebook, but different. This site is for people who have problems in life, and they're here to chat up with the ones who go through the same things they do. I have like one real friend on here that I can chat with for hours.
I had a notification, meaning I received a message.
I clicked on it, and it was from a user named Stop_The_Pain. That was my friend that I always talk to, Ivy. Ivy has shared with me that she gets bullied at school, only because she was different. She mentioned that boys lead her on, then brakes her heart. Boys are horrible when they feel no guilt when they brake girls hearts on purpose. I would imagine that if something like that would happen to me, I wouldn't want to find love again.
I opened the message from Ivy.
Hey Leah, I have to say that today was the worst day of my life. I got beat up by those bullies again, I got lunch food dumped on me, and of course my current boyfriend was only dating me because of a bet. I actually felt something for him for the past month, but whatever, I decided to give up on love.
The majority of her messages are like this, saying what goes wrong in her life, and some of them just makes me cry or just anger me because of what these bullies do to her. Who would want to live like that.
I clicked on the reply button and typed:
It's a real shame , I just wish I could do something for you. I know you already did something for me. But just keep your head up, and something good may come out of it sooner or later.
Then pressed the Send button.
Since I hardly make friends at school, it's easier to make some online. Ivy and I known each other three months ago, and we've become very close, more like sisters.
“Leah!” I sigh, getting up from my chair to see what my mom wanted.
I spotted mom in the living room with dad. “Yeah mom?” I asked.
“Your dad and I are going to go out selling, so you'll be here for a few hours.”
“Yeah, whatever,” I responded. They always go out to work for hours that I hardly see them home anymore. The only one that keeps me company now is my pet bunny, Blue. I call her Blue because her fur has a dull blue color. I thought she was special since I never seen a bunny like her before. So, as soon as I laid my eyes on her, I knew I wanted to take her home with me.
“Okay, we'll be back soon,” said my dad. They walked out the door, and now I'm all alone. Well, not completely alone. I walked Blue's cage, letting her out. I carried her in my arms as I walked back to my room.
As the sun began to rise, I didn't have the desire to get up from my warm comforting bed. I didn't want to open my eyes and enter the world of reality. I felt like I was in a death-like state. Though it would have been better if I was dead, that way I never have to wake up to a cruel world.
I eventually got up from my bed and headed to the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror, I saw my reflection. It showed an ugly emotionless girl. Her eyes looking like there's no life left in them; all there is to see is just dull brown empty eyes.
After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I got my dark skinny jeans, oversized black T-shirt, my favorite purple jacket with black zebra stripes, and checkered white and blue Vans. Like any other day, I skipped breakfast again since I wasn't hungry. So, I just went straight to the car waiting for dad to come.
He showed showed up after five minutes of waiting, then began to drive me to school. I grabbed my Ipod and played Three Days Grace – World So Cold, of course that's how I would describe the world. Being so into the song, I haven't noticed that I arrived to school. Turning off my Ipod, I put it in my pocket, getting out of the car. Knowing that school is just starting in a few minutes, I just hope that it goes by quick.
Photography always got me interested, so the class didn't bother me much. Though, the only thing that did bother me was the teacher; she would always be in her pissy mood. She would lecture us about how students these days are always irresponsible because we don't do some of our work, or forget to do our homework on the day that is due.
Walking through the door of the room, I went to sit on my assigned seat. Now in this class I'm pretty much a loner just like some of my other classes. As everyone chatted away, Ms. Fernandez called to silence.
“Okay everyone, take out your pictures you've printed from a historical event and the essay of the history behind it.”
Being the stupid forgetful me, I forgot to do the assignment. How fucking swell.
Note the sarcasm.
As Ms. Fernandez collected the homework and came to me, she noticed I didn't have mine out.
"Now, where's your homework you were suppose to do, Leah?” she asked, crossing her arms and preparing herself to lecture me with the look in her eye that I hate seeing.
Without making eye contact, I whispered, “I forgot to do it.”
“That's what I thought you'd say. It's the same excuse every time. You're just so irresponsible, and all you had to do was this easy assignment. I mean, how are you going to get through your life because it requires to be responsible? I'm telling you, you're not going to have a future if you keep this up.” She gave me a look that makes me feel embarrassed, guilt, anger, and worthless because it was true. More embarrassed since she was doing this in front of the whole class that was now looking at us like we were preforming a magic show. Guilt for not doing it while everyone else did. Worthless because that's how I always feel. And anger since this happened before in my life, and this emotion was there. This whole homework thing is what started my anger issues since I was little.
The thing that I see with teachers is that some of them crave to see the guilt in your eyes and the feeling of them being worthless. They love to see you vulnerable and weak. Plus, when you want to explain yourself for something to them to at least understand your situation better like some would want, but not true.
There was once a time in my Freshman year when I had to do this online thing for my English class and had to finish as soon as I get home. So I was gonna do that, but my mom forgot to pay for the computer that day, and the library was already closed, so in result, I couldn't do the assignment that day. The next day I tried to explain my situation, but my teacher said no excuses even though I didn't even get to finish my explanation. After that he waved me off, not even hearing me out. Can't the schools with teachers get anymore heartless?
With one more look, she collected everyone's work, and returned to her desk. This feeling of guilt, sadness, and anger is starting to fill me up that I can't keep it inside any longer. So, I guess I might need another emotional release right now. Taking my emergency thumbtack from my backpack and stuffing it in my pocket, I raised my hand.
“Yes, Leah, what do you need?” asked Ms. Fernandez.
“Can I go to the bathroom?” I asked without making eye contact. I hardly make eye contact with people, especially with adults, it makes things awkward for me, and plus eyes are windows to you soul, which I don't want people to see unless I trust them.
“Fine, take the pass.” I got up and took the pass.
As soon as I went through the door, I ran to the bathroom. I went to the big stall and locked the door. Taking the thumbtack from my pocket, I dragged it across my arm. That one was for my stupidity. I did another for being worthless. Another for being a waste of life. Another for hatred on myself. And one more for the people causing me pain. Five scratches were starting to show it's red color, but it was a good thing I have my jacket to hide them. Even though I felt a release of my emotions, I wasn't satisfied yet. I still felt anger and hate. I felt like I needed to punch something, and that's what I did. I lifted my fist, and punched the wall. I didn't care if my hand hurt, that's what I really needed. Physical pain.
At times when I'm angry, I feel violent; I didn't care who I hurt. As if you're not in control of your mind or body. I always had this side of violence that rarely anyone sees since I was little. It was elementary when this whole thing started. I was this innocent naïve little girl who did everything I was suppose to do and never got in trouble. Though, that was just the beginning.
7 Years Ago
Mom had dropped me off at school, but I couldn't stop thinking of how I forgot to do my homework last night for the first time. I told my mom if it was a bad thing that I forgot, and she said it's okay to forget and try to remember next time. I was filled with relief when I heard that, so I have nothing to worry about.
I entered my class and took my seat in the group table. Everyone started talking to one another, but usually no one would want to talk with the quiet girl.
“Alright, I need everyone to take their homework out for me to pick it up,” announced the teacher.
When everyone took out their homework, she came around to pick up our work. I see that the whole class did theirs, and I felt kind of embarrassed that I’m the only one who forgot.
She got to me now , then saw I didn't have my homework.
“Leah, where's your assignment that I gave you yesterday?” she asked.
Being the shy girl I only whispered, “I forgot to do it last night. I was planning on doing it, but something came up.”
It didn't even look like she was listening to my excuse. That actually got me upset, because I wanted to at least explain myself before she thought this could be a regular thing now. The only thing I noticed is that she was giving me this look of disbelief and disappointment, which was the first time I've seen a teacher give me since I'm always a good student. This look was giving me some bad feelings inside.
“I strictly told everyone to do the work and you forgot to do it? This was very important, Leah, which is why I told everyone countless times to do it. I think for your irresponsibility you deserve a detention.” She then walked away.
I really couldn't believe she would do that just because I forgot to do my homework. I always thought she was a caring teacher, and this wasn't an attitude of caring. This actually makes me angry right now, and even more anger that I got my first detention because of this. The feeling of anger seems to be growing like a fire inside me.
“You so deserved it you know?” said the girl that was sitting beside me. I turned to her with a questionable look on my face.
“Yeah that's right, you deserved it. I mean it's your fault. You're so st -” she kept telling me how it's my fault, how I’m stupid for forgetting, how I she be more punished. I don't understand, during my time in this class for almost a year I thought she was a cool girl, and same for my teacher. Who are these people?
I felt the tears forming in my eyes, but I didn't let them fall. I didn't want to make a fool of myself by crying. My hands were already tight fists, and my eyes were closed cause I didn't want to see her insulting me more.
Now the fire grew to a wild fire inside of me. Without thinking, I shouted, “SHUT UP!” I was in so much anger that my thoughts were making me see images of my class mate and teacher suffering painfully for causing me this pain. I never thought that a ten year old girl like me could think about stuff like this. I never thought about violent things happening to people I know, but it didn't matter, it brought a smile on my face.
When I opened my eyes, everyone was looking at me. Ignoring their stares, I realized what anger can do to you.
Days after the whole incident, everything was now forgotten. Right now I was in lunch eating. It was the time to leave the cafeteria, so my class started to line up. As I was getting up from the table, I haven't realize that my shoe was caught on something, making me fall on the filthy floor. I was extremely embarrassed, but then I heard a booming laughter from a boy twice my size that was in my class.
“You are such clumsy person, Leah, you should watch your step,” he continued to laugh at me.
I felt that same fire I had turn into an inferno. And as if my body was possessed and my thoughts were shut off, I jumped to my feet and charged at him. I didn't care if he was twice my size, I just wanted to hurt him. I attacked him by using all my strength to hit and kick him. But, right now what I'm doing, I wanted to do more than this. I wanted to torture him painfully. I was like a monster that no one could see until they provoked me.
My hits and kicks were starting to slow down, and then fully stop. I didn't think I had to go through this again with my anger, but I would promise myself that I wouldn't think, or physically wanting to hurt someone.
It was half true. True being that I won't physically hurt someone. But, the promise to also not think of hurting someone, I broke that along time ago. I can't really help not thinking of ways I would hurt the person that causes me pain. Shame, all I could do is think.
Well, over the years I controlled my urges to attack someone when I'm angry. What helped was to think of doing horrible things to them in my head, but I couldn't do it in real life. So, that's where my promise was broken. Hey, I had to brake one to keep the other. Of course, doing that made my mind more violent over the years. What I would want to do to Ms. Fernandez is probably doing anything deadly. My mind thinks deadly things to people now who cause me pain, so I wouldn't think anyone would want to take a peek in my head.
As the fire in me died down, I was ready to go back to class.
It's my favorite time of the night. Where the sky is dark as a raven's wing. Dozens of twinkling stars so high in the sky. Such a beautiful sight.
Lying on my back on the top of my roof is nice and peaceful. This time and place is where I love to spend the majority of my time to escape reality. Forget all my problems like they never existed.
Sometimes I think I don't belong in this world. I belong somewhere magical, or something out of this world. But, I'm stuck here. The only magical place I can go to is my dreams that I never want to wake up from.
The moon is very beautiful tonight. Round and glowing so bright like angels in heaven. Looking at it just puts me in a trance.
I sighed, and looked back at the stars.
Then something caught my eye, something moving. I realized it was a shooting star. Even if I wished for things from a birthday candle, or a wishing fountain, of course it wouldn't come true. Seeing a shooting star, I thought that I shouldn't bother wishing, but something told me that I should.
I closed my eyes, and wished for something that I really wanted.
I wish my life were like something I would want to be living in.
I opened my eyes, and nothing happened.
I didn't expect anything to happen at the moment, but the wishing thing wouldn't work anyway.
I pulled out my phone from my pocket to check the time. 12:30. It was getting late, but luckily tomorrow was Saturday. Sitting up straight, I got to my feet, and got on the edge of the roof. The fence was connected to the house so it was a way I could climb down. As I climbed down, I thought it be a good time for a shower.
In my bathroom, I turned the water on, and stripped myself of my clothing. The water was warm enough to get in; I stepped inside letting the water relax me.
The shower is one place where I can think straight, and be alone where nobody will bother me. It's also a place where I get most of my writing ideas. But, it's mostly a place where I wallow in my self-pity. So many memories and mistakes that are from my past that I think about why I did that, or why have I humiliated myself like that. My past is something I don't want to think about; it haunts me.
My life is really messed up, and sometimes I think I could write a book about it.
And that's where the idea was born.
I could write a book about my life, but make it the way I want it. My life in a story will not have this depressing experience, I could make it the way that I would want to live it, something out of this world.
I like fantasy stories, so I can make it fantasy like. Of course I'll still add somewhat of what I'm living, too. Like the people I know. Since I'm also a hopeless romantic, I'll add some romance to my fantasy like story. I could imagine what my life would be if I was with Donovan.
This story just might be my best one.
Saturday afternoon, I was on my bed with paper and pencil. As soon as I had the idea for my next story I couldn't wait to get started. First, I actually needed to think of a title for this, so I decided to name it The Tale of Raven Heart.
After I got some ideas on what to write for the story, I began.
I hear nothing, but the sound of rustling trees fill my ears. It's quite beautiful today, with the cool, but comfortable air, cloudy skies, breezy winds; that's what I call a nice day. Spending times surrounded by trees, it feels like I belong.
I'm Raven Heart, the most nature and adventure loving person you'll meet. I got my name for a strange reason; my parents say when I was born, a bunch of raven's showed up surrounding us. They say raven's showed up just to see me, so they named me Raven. And it's also funny that they are my favorite birds.
As I walk deeper into the woods, something didn't feel right, almost as if someone or something was following me. I looked behind me, but nothing was present. Continuing my walk for about five minutes, again I felt that same feeling, and then a twig snapped. Looking around me for anything suspicious, I found nothing again. I started to become a little nervous; anything could jump out and attack me. Then, out of nowhere I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders. As I let out a scream of terror, the hands let go of me, and I turned to see a laughing Ace.
“Oh my god, Ace! You seriously could of given me a heart attack!” I yelled. He continued to laugh for a minute until he began to calm down.
“Sorry Raven, but I really couldn't resist,” he said. Ace was my best friend, and also my boyfriend. We've known each other since we were born, but he's still older by a few months.
“You know I hate it when you do that,” I whined, “You're always too sneaky for your own good.”
“Hey, I got to be to catch my prey,” he said while eying me.
“And I see that today's prey is me,” I observed with my arms crossed over my chest. He came over to me, giving me a kiss on the cheek and whispered in my ear, “Exactly.”
I giggled. “So, how did you find me out here?” He gave me a look of disbelief.
“Are you kidding me? The woods are like your second home. This place would be the first place to look for you.” I knew it was true. “come on, lets go to our place,” he suggested.
I nodded. “Okay.” Then we walked hand-in-hand and chatted a little on the way.
'Our place' is where me and Ace go to spend our time together. No one knows where it is but us, and I would want to keep it that way.
We were in front of vines that covered the entrance to 'Our place'. Ace spread the vines apart to let me in first. I went through, then Ace followed, and up ahead there it was. A beautiful clear sparkling lake with dozens of willow trees surrounding it. This place just took my breath away every time I saw it. But, what I also like about this place is that there is this waterfall on the other side of the lake.
We sat near the edge of the lake side by side with my head on his shoulder, while one of his arms were wrapped around my waist.
This peaceful moment lasted a while, until Ace said, “Why don't we go swimming? It's been a while since we went swimming.”
He had a point, and I guess I could use a swim.
“I nodded, “Okay.”
He stood up and began to take off his leather brown boots, shirt, and pants; leaving him in only his shorts. He dove into the lake and resurfaced.
“Come on, Raven.”
I smiled and began stripping off my dress, standing in my underwear. I ran to the lake and jumped in. The water was cool and refreshing that I never wanted to leave. Swimming up to Ace, he wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing me. His kisses were always so sweet that it gave me butterflies every time. His lips are soft as silk that it makes it difficult to pull away, not that I wanted to anytime soon. Eventually, we had to pull away before we pass out from lack of oxygen.
He smiled at me, that welcoming and sweet smile that I love so much. “I love you,” he whispered.
I smiled back at him, “Love you, too,” I whispered back.
No matter how much I said it to him, I'll never get tired of saying those words. He's my everything.
We headed back to the village when the sun was about to set. The sunset we see everyday is beautiful. It has different colors mixed together like orange, yellow, pink, blue, red, and purple. I could seriously look at it for hours.
The village was small, only containing a couple hundred people, so everyone knew each other. Of course, everyone knew who I was, 'The Raven Summoner'. That's what they usually call me, the child who summons ravens. Not only did ravens appear on when I was born, but I usually see ravens following me; everyone sees it. A few people would assume this happens because of something I possess to make them follow me. They think it would be the dark magic, but no one could prove that it was, since I never did anything of the black arts. Soon, they let the idea go and just called me the raven summoner. But, most now think me summoning ravens and the reason they showed up when I was born is some kind of sign of something.
Ace walked me to my little house, “See you soon, okay? Remember we are having the celebration tonight of your birth.”
I smiled, “Yeah, I know. See you.” He gave me a quick kiss, and left.
Today's my 17th birthday. The whole village still thinking that the ravens are a kind of sign, they throw me a big celebration of my birth where once again ravens show up all at once.
As I entered my house, mom was cooking stew by the fire.
“Hi, mom,” I greeted.
She turned to look at me. “Hi, honey. Where have you been all day?”
“I was with Ace, mom.”
She sighed. “Should have known already. I mean, two are like attached to the hip,” she chuckled.
I laughed. She was a mom that could make me laugh, and I like that. Knowing she can be caring and protective, but also humorous. I love my mom; she's all I just said and beautiful. She has shoulder length brownish black hair, brown eyes, and we're both up to the same height.
“Okay well, why don't you get ready for your birthday celebration tonight?”
“Alright,” I said.
I went to my room, and looked in my trunk for a dress to wear. After a while of searching, I found the perfect one. It's a dress that reaches my ankles, dark gray, with long sleeves that's a few inches above my elbows.
As I got my dress on, I heard the door open and then close. I'm thinking it's my dad that came home from work. I exited my room to see it is my dad. He's talking to mom about how work went and if he made any money. My dad works with a man that sells fruit. Sometimes they have a good sale; other times they don't, but as long as he brings a decent amount of money, we're able to last.
Dad saw me walk in then he smiled. He walked over to me, giving my a hug.
“How's my girl doing today?”
I chuckled. “ I'm fine.”
“Well you should be better than fine, you should be excited. It's your day today.”
“I am excited today, really. I am turning seventeen.”
“You're growing up so fast,” he said.
He gave me one last hug, and left the room.
“He's worried about you growing up too fast. One day you'll get married and move out; who knows where you'll be. There could be a chance that you'll move into the city for a better future far away and we'll never see you again,” she started tearing up. I went to hug her. “Come on mom, you know I won't do that, and you know that you and dad will see me,” I pulled away from her, “Besides, I'm not into the city so much, I love living here by the forest.”
She sighed. “That's good to hear.”
I love my parents very much, they cared and loved me. They did so much for me by keeping me fed, providing me with clothes, and kept a roof over my head. I wouldn't know what I would do without them, they're always there for me and always comfort me.
Few hours later, everyone was outside celebrating my birthday. It was amazing on how set everything up. Torches were placed in every corner, and some put fireflies in jars and hung them. It might not be much, but I loved the lights shining everywhere.
Someone hugged me tight from behind, so I knew already who it was. I turned around to face my best friend, June. She's short, but tough. She has two older brothers, so they taught her how to fight back. Her long wavy blond hair that stops all the way down to her elbows makes guys think she's a goddess. Then there's her baby blue eyes which makes her look innocent and younger.
June kept hugging me, then pulled away. “Raven, happy birthday,” she said.
I smiled, “Thanks, June.”
“So, how does it feel to be seventeen?” she asked curiously.
I shrugged. “I don't know. I don't feel any different.”
“Hmm, that's normal I guess.” I shrugged again. I saw two girls walking toward us, both being brunettes. As they came closer, I already recognized them. Selena and Melinda. They're twins, but Selena is older by five minutes. You rarely see them apart, like wherever Selena goes, Melinda goes, and wherever Melinda goes, Selena goes. With the way way they act, most think they were Siamese twins.
Once they were in front of us, I greeted them.
“Hey, Sel, hey Mel.” It was easier to just call Selena Sel and Melinda Mel. Both of them look exactly alike, so yeah, they're identical twins. The one way to tell them apart are their eyes. Sel has blue eyes, like June's, and Mel has stormy Grey eyes.
“Hey, Raven,” they said simultaneously. They say things at the same time constantly that it becomes kind of creepy, but they're my friends, so I deal with it.
“Well come on, lets not stand around here, lets dance,” suggested June. I nodded. The twins, June, and I went where everyone were dancing by the fire. We danced and danced that we couldn't stop, until I felt an arm around my waist, “Sorry girls, but I believe it's my turn to dance with the birthday girl,” said Ace.
I giggled, “See yeah later, guys.” Ace lead me away from them and stopped to the opposite side of whee I was recently dancing at. As Ace and I danced for a while, he whispered in my ear, “You dance beautifully you know that?”
I giggled. “No, I don't think I do know that.”
“Well, now you do,” he said while smiling at me with love in his eyes. I know mine showed the same amount of love I have for him. I loved him so much that I would be nothing without him. He's always there for me, he listens to me, and he protects me. I wouldn't know anyone else who's as sweet as him. I would just do anything for him.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 06.10.2012
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