[Enter stage left strutting onto the stage. Skip and turn]

   See ya babes [wave fingers, turn to face audience, sigh in relief].

   This [gesture to me] is how everyone sees me. But that’s not the real me [pull hairband out]. The real me [sit on blocks centre-stage] isn’t the girl that everyone thinks they know so well.

   I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be truthful. What would it take to make you do it?

   What would it take to make you forget about the promise you made to the ones you love? That silent promise that it a part of every family. The promise not to hurt them. What would it take to make you think that you leaving them, permanently, would have no effect on them? For me, it wasn’t much [look down. [look up, lean back, hands in front, palms forward] Now, now, how about I explain it before you jump to conclusions?

   Well [drag out], ok. Let’s say that [pause] right off [pause] you’re not seriously thinking about it. Just, [pause, shrug] merely entertaining the option. [As an aside] And yes, to those like me that is an option. Sometimes it’s so hard [voice breaks] to remember that it’s not the only option. But it isn’t.

   And [drag out] you aren’t seriously depressed. Not that feeling of drowning, [of falling into a hole that you can never get out of and no one can see it [stand up] and no one cure it and no matter what you do or what you try you know you will never be able to find a way out.] [One breath]

   [sigh, sit down] Say it’s not that.

   What about [drag out] loss? Would that do it? Losing someone you never dreamed you’d be without, and suddenly, they’re gone. And you’re left with the knowledge that [those eyes that voice that person who completed you or made life magic or simply understood you] [One breath]- that person is gone.

   I guess heaven was needing a hero, like you. [sing] [really depressed]

[slowly put hair into bun] Would you follow? Would you simply give up? [scoff] Probably not. You’d probably get over it. [scornful]

   [smugly] How about pain? That pain deep inside you. [pull hair down, run hands through agitated, knees up] The pain that didn’t stop, that made it impossible to think [voice breaks]. The pain you knew for sure would last [bend over in pain]. Would never end.

   [back to being smug] [plait hair] You think you’d hold on then? Would you? How? Medication? [laugh] Yeah, and what if that didn’t work? You think you’d hang in then? Just accept it and live with the pain? [matter-of-factly] Just tough it out. That simple, huh?

   [scoff] Yeah, right. [stand up] Admit it! You simply can never know if there’s something out there that will be too big for you to beat.

   [sigh, sit down] This is how I feel every day. [rip hair out] And I just wanted it to stop [voce breaks, sad, desperate].

   You couldn’t hear it, could you? [That voice in my head [point to head] telling me that I’m not okay [right fist to head] that I’m never going to be fine [left fist to head] that nothing I do will ever be good enough [both hands down] that no matter what I do], or what I try, I will never [stand up] escape this nightmare inside my head [hold head]. [angry] And you thought I was fine [sit, head in hands, breath, sit up].

   But I wasn’t. The urge just kept getting stronger [gesture both hands] and stronger [gesture both sounds], and that voice in my head [one hand to side of head] just kept getting louder [same hand fist near temple] and louder [other hand to other temple, get louder], no matter what I did [hands down]. No matter how much I tried to block it out [punch leg].

   It’s easy for you to sit there [gesture to audience] and say to me, “You [point] should’ve held on. Just get over it already [swipe hands to side]. Just…be normal, be stronger.” You didn’t hear. No one did. [They heard laughing, talking, music][bright and cheerful]. [Different sounds good sounds me] [one breath], I only heard what that voice in my head told me.

   I’ve often been asked, “What does it feel like? What does depression feel like?” Well, I’ll explain it to you. [stand up] Imagine walking into the ocean, blindfolded. [slowly walk down-stage] Just keep walking, never knowing where you’re going. You just know you’re getting deeper. Now just keep going until you drown [open eyes]. You want to reach the surface, you want relief, [hand reaches up] but the current just keeps pulling you down [sink to ground, one knee, hand up] and you can feel that you are not strong enough to reach the surface. That’s what it’s like [look to audience, hand down]. Drowning, and knowing that you don’t have the strength to reach the surface, to reach the much needed air.

   Now [drag], imagine the relief you would feel if someone had come along and rescued you. Someone pulled you out of the water so that you could breathe again [stand up, hug self]. That’s what self-harm is like. After the suffocating feeling in your chest [hold chest with both hands, breathless], the relief of being able to feel again. That’s why people do it. Not for attention [swipe both hands to sides], but for relief [fist down].

   Now imagine what it would be like not to self-harm. Just [pause] feeling that feeling of suffocation, of drowning. That’s how I felt. And it never went away [swipe hand to side]. Never [yell, both hands fisted at sides]. No matter what I did. No matter how much I tried to cover my ears [cover ears]. Because it wasn’t a voice like mine [point to me] and yours [point to audience], but a voice inside my head that grew louder and louder [get louder] the more I ignored it.

   It was always there. Until I did what I did. Until I finally broke down and exposed to the world what was really hidden behind that bright and cheerful mask that everyone knew so well. Until they finally saw me for the pathetic little waste of space that I am. [pause] Until I finally found that relief.

   [Say something I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t] [sing] get to you. [speak]

   You didn’t see, didn’t hear. You think I was weak. That there was another way, a better way. [stand on blocks] I’m telling you: there wasn’t. And all I wanted was for it to stop [voice breaks, lean forward on blocks].

   Not because I’m weak. You don’t know what it’s like. [lean back, sit down, knees up] It’s a pain that hurts so deep down inside I can’t find where it starts and where it ends. Sometimes [pause] I can’t stop crying, and other times I just can’t find any tears. I just feel so alone, and I wish I could tell someone, [stand up] but I don’t know who I could turn to with this. No one would understand how I feel.

   I wish it would just go away. [lay head on blocks] I cry and cry at night, when no one can hear me, until my pillow’s soaked, until I can’t think of anything except for that emptiness inside. I pretended to be like everyone else, to be popular and liked by everyone. I was horrible to others just so I could fit in.

   I wonder if anyone ever noticed what was happening inside me if anyone even cared. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone…so scared…as I did then. [quickly put hair into ponytail]

   I walk through my life like an actor in a play wearing different masks when I’m with different people [smile, talk to imaginary people]. But none of them are me [pull hairband out]. Not the real me. I have no idea who I am. I hate myself…whoever I am these days [bitterly].

   [I’m just out to find], [sing] the better part of me. [speak]

   [lean back] There are times when I dream of heaven and what it’s like to die – to be in a place where everything is peaceful and everyone is happy. Where no one blames you for things you didn’t do. Or expects you to be someone you aren’t. Where everyone gets along with each other [silent for a moment daydreaming].

   The truth is, I never felt like my life was worth saving. I felt like I had nothing to live for, and I was always so…sad. [knees up] But my pain was the worst part [shudder, hug self].

The thing that bothers me the most about what happened after my show of weakness is that it made me realise just how obvious [wrap arms around knees] the signs had been. How obvious my pain was. And I realised someone could have saved me. You [point] could have saved me [stand up, look at audience, shout]! But I guess you never really cared about me [bitterly, quiet].

   Nobody ever really cared about me [stride to back of room, recollect, turn to audience]. I’d always thought so, but after what happened, I knew for certain. [jump onto blocks] I mean, why would they? Look at me [hold arms out].

   [I’m looking at the mirror on the wall], [sing] [here we are again. Through my rise and fall] [speak], [you’ve been my only friend]. [sing]

   [sit] I’d only ever been taken for granted by those around me and used by people who don’t understand what it does to someone. What using someone and not caring about what they think does to someone. It’s hard [stand up]!

   Too hard [fall to knees].

   Well, I thought no one cared about me. [stand up] But the best thing that came out of my act of desperation was finding someone who actually cares about me. Someone that I’d always cared for but had never thought cared about me.

   He has become a very important person in my life and the one who reminds me every day why life is worth living.

   This is how you remind me of what I really am. [sing]

   Yeah, sure. Life will always have its ups and downs and it hasn’t been easy to let go of the familiar feelings of depression but, with his help, I’ve gotten there.

   I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough. [speak]

   He has given me hope in life and has helped me to become more connected with life and my family and friends. I am finally able to enjoy things in life and not feel guilt over it, even if I have just recently lost someone.

   Well, I know the feeling, of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge. And there ain't no healing, from cutting yourself with the jagged edge. Stop thinking about the easy way out, take it from someone who's been where you're at. Cos you’re not done, you’re far too young, and the best is yet to come. [sing]

   I just hope that someday, everyone will find their reason to live.


Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.05.2015

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