He was the first.
Tan skin, small eyes.
Tall and lean and I thought I was in love.
Love at first sight doesn't exist.
I learned that later.
2am Walmart walk and back to his place to watch a movie.
I fell asleep and he stayed awake touching.
I wasn't in love.
I learned not to trust.
I saw him only once more.
I was heavy with guilt but free.
He didn't have to know.
He didn't need to know.
I’m an adult now.
I can lead my life.
Age is but a number.
The second showed me patience.
Large hands and a snake wrapped tightly around his arm.
His words and touch came with a contract.
A leash and a promise.
I feel safe and warm.
If only he didn't have to leave.
He’s too good to be true.
Don’t fall for him.
He doesn’t love you, just the gift of pleasure you can give and the security that you won’t leave.
The third was kind.
Broken English and rough hands.
3 am beers and weird egg rolls from an Irish pub.
He tells me of Korea, of his time here in America .
The walk back to the shop keeps me awake, and his hands wandering at 4 to the music of piano at 4am has me coming back more and more.
We’re both lonely.
He isn’t happy either and he’s 31.
Stop looking for happiness in the wrong places.
I don’t learn this lesson.
The fourth doesn't promise me the world.
He comes early, leaves late.
Never stays the night but makes sure to kiss me on the doorstep once more before he disappears.
But when I call him crying and not knowing what to do, he comes without a second thought.
Beer and warm touches and whispered words of encouragement because he is just a call away.
Happiness is a simple Corona at 1am while being held in someone's arms to forget the pain he has caused.
He catches me.
2 am with Bao, curled up after a long night and enjoying myself.
I just want to leave.
So I do.
I learned packing your things in a hurry while avoiding being hit is hard.
I forgot my sweater.
Rash decisions aren’t always the best.
Late to work.
Everyone tells me to go apologize and make up.
I can't do that.
I can't be in prison again.
They don't understand.
They won't understand.
Not everyone will understand when you do things to protect yourself.
I remember when he first came back into my life.
A father is every kids dream of they never had one.
It was perfect.
We were best friends.
I was 18.
Now I'm 22.
I don't talk to him.
He's ruined me.
He was always proud of the fact I won’t want anyone else in my life but him.
I can't leave the house without thinking he's going to show up on my doorstep.
I just wish I was gone.
He calls me an idiot.
Says I should have left years ago when it all started happening.
He says this over a bottle of wine and fast food chicken.
I hate the distance between us in the bed but I know he's right.
He asks me if he can help and I say no.
I can do it on my own.
I couldn’t do it but I tried.
He cried for me that night.
I’m sorry baby.
He steals me away.
We're both alone on Christmas.
It's been a long year, he says.
He smokes on the balcony of the hotel, looking out to the Gulf.
The bathrobe I'm wearing is too small but warm.
We talked until the sun came up and we had to leave.
I had work that day.
I learn that night that I can't hate him, even after everything I've been through.
I can't hate him, but I don't have to like him.
He reassures that's okay.
I can't thank him enough.
Sometimes you just need to escape.
He says he's missed me.
He's the only one that said he did.
Being drowned in school and work, it's hard to see any of them.
It’s hard to make time for myself.
He missed me though and that set me at ease.
I matter to someone.
I don’t learn until later that it doesn’t matter.
I should only matter to myself.
He is leaving for a month.
He tells me he'll be back.
He'll message me lots.
Something feels different but I don't mention anything.
I trust him whole heartedly.
He wouldn't lie to me.
It's been 12 days.
I haven't heard anything.
I wonder where he's at.
You don’t matter when you’re not needed.
I finally heard from the second.
Stole away to Vietnam to see family.
Come back home.
Don’t be selfish.
People need their time too.
Phone is off and I can't stand the voices in my head.
I'm drowning in the deep and it's hard to keep my head above water.
I want to just stop.
I want to just stop.
I want to just.
Why don't you have a boyfriend?
I have three.
They're boys that are my friends.
I get affection and time from them.
They care for me and make sure I'm okay.
But Jae that's too much. Don't you worry-
Yes. I worry.
But I don't care.
You're just using them.
They're using me too.
It's okay, as long as if I get something I want in return.
It’s selfish and ugly
But it’s what I need right now.
Needs and wants are different.
Staring at the mirror with the knife in my hand.
It's such an easy decision.
It's so easy to just put it to the skin and press down.
I see it.
Let me go.
I don’t want this.
I'm sorry Maddie.
I didn't want you to see that.
You shouldn't have had to find me like that.
Thank you for saving me.
I don’t know how to repay you.
He called me stupid for dropping out of school.
I couldn't bear to tell him what I had done.
I'd be called stupid some more.
Or he'd understand.
I don't want that risk.
I need him here.
People understand more if you tell them the truth.
A night out, something we both need
Liqour and dancing
It's nice to forget
It's nice to let go
It's nice to have hands on me
It's nice to know she'll push them away after a bit
I don't have to worry
Even when I'm on the side of the road puking up yesterday's lo mein
Sometimes it's okay to be young
Sometimes it's okay to be a kid again
Thank you for letting me see this
That's what he calls me and it sounds nice coming from sweet lips
Even when we're 10 hours apart for the moment
Something seems to click right away
A door opens
I want to see him
He makes me forget about Jeremy
But I can't seem to mind
People's feelings are at play here
I'll meet you Saturday
I sleep through the meeting
I want to see you
I can't seem to make the time
Why aren't you answering the phone?
I was sleeping
I was fucking worried you dumbass
Do you know how worried I was?
I hope he was worth it.
Fucking whore. It's nasty.
You weren't like this before
Red flags show themselves eventually
I should heed the warning
I can't apologize enough
I'm always apologizing
He comes to see me
Leaves an hour later
I don't hear from him again
All good things have an end
Wine doesn't solve the problem
But it sure as hell numbs the pain
Sweet hands pick me up
A warm laugh fills my mind
3 nights in a row I spend with him
Never once he lets go
I know I worry him
At night I let him know that all i need
Is just the warmth he gives
And the gentle love he can provide
And the understanding that I'm hurting
He doesn't ask questions
This is what I needed from the get go
He doesn't care what I did
I don't want to let him go
Some people are too good to be true
But some people are exactly what they portray themselves as
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 30.03.2019
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To all the boys I've loved and all the friends that have protected me. Thank you.