Cover

Dissipate

Dissipate

 

Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice.

Scissors, maybe knives.

What if I slit my wrist

And out comes mist?

I'll evaporate home, float away

Never have to live another day

In this hollow shell, in this pain

I dream of my escape

Make it stop, make it end

It hurts too much to spend

More time in this torment; as I choke

I wish to be the one who bleeds smoke

Fantasize

Fantasy 

 

Learn to wield a knife.

Learn to tolerate the pain.

After will come relief flowing through you as your blood flows out and down your pale, fragile arms

And the thoughts stop for a moment

And you feel okay

You feel stronger than you’ve ever been

Because you’re so used to being weak and pathetic

Now you can handle anything and it feels great

Cutting your wrists open is nothing. It relieves so much tension and pain and silences the torment so you don’t even care.

Even better, now you don’t have to bother anyone. Because you can handle it.

You want more blood. Run down your arms, your legs, everywhere.

The knife slips, you start to get careless.

You start to think, “Goodbye.”

You didn’t mean to die but maybe that’s alright too. It will all be over soon.

It isn’t over.

You awake, sheets stained red and dry blood sticking to your skin.

You can’t decide whether to be disappointed or relieved.

All you want is the pain to stop.

And you’re alone.

Now no one wants to help anymore.

So you have no choice. Nothing is going to make the pressure stop

Nothing except the rush you get from slicing lines down your skin.

If only for a moment, at least it’s something.

You live for your dripping blood, making the sound of rain on your bathroom floor.

Suicidal Ramblings [Unfinished]

 

It's not beautiful, it's not poetic

I'm ugly and pathetic

Some nights I want to choke out all my breath

Sometimes it scares me half to death

 

And at times I don't care at all

Watching myself like a movie as I fall

Deeper into thoughts of leaving

Or bleeding to keep them all from grieving

 

I don't know why they'll miss me

But my feelings bend and twist me

I'm caught in this bad habit I've found

I'm screaming as I hit the ground

Stuck

 I may as well be dead.

When I think about it, no, I don't want to leave my friends, but I want this feeling to stop. The pain feels neverending, no matter what I do.

I have vividly imagined slitting my wrists and bleeding out onto the floor. I've contemplated hanging myself with a belt, and I don't know why. I try to stay away from imagining.

I want to feel better, to forget my pain and loneliness but it consumes me. I'm lost and I think maybe it will never get better.

All I can do is ignore it, because I just can't solve this feeling of wrongness that remains even as I have better days, even when I'm laughing.

The negativity bothers my friends and I can't make it stop. I ruin everything.

I'm sorry.

Prayer

Dear God, what do You think

Of the monsters in my head?

Are You calling me while I'm on the brink?

Do I just mute Your voice when I want to be dead?

 

Dear God, what do You feel

About my collection of suicide letters

About how I don't think I can heal

And my loss of hope in something better?

 

I plead, give me hope to hold on

My own mind is killing me, but I want to trust in You

I pray so hard for the strength but You feel long gone

Please don't let me let go of what is true

 

Dear God, am I sinful in Your sight

As I take this shard of glass to the body You created?

I know You understand some days it's so hard to see the light

Will You help me want to help myself? Alone I won't escape it

 

Dear God, why do You let me wander?

I don't trust what I'll do when I'm lost

Does distance make the heart grow fonder?

Oh, but is it worth the cost?

 

I pray, give me strength to hold on

I'm consumed in what's killing me; help me trust in You

I pray so hard for the strength but I feel long gone

Please don't let me let go of what is true

No Choice

Breathe...1, 2, 3. Breathe.

I don't know anything anymore. I'm actually alone now.

Just keep breathing, right? Just keep breathing even through the bad feelings, even if you can't solve them, just

keep breathing because you just freaking have to

All I really want to do is sleep foreverEnd the pain

No one wants me anymore.

But I can't. I can't do that. Just breathe. Inhale, exhale, automatic like some sort of machine. Just keep breathing without any reason, any point, any way to feel better.

Breathe, breathe until the end, because I don't get to make the choice of when my story ends.

I am not the one who gets to choose when to stop breathing.

I will, when it becomes time. But that won't be right now.

There's more to do, more to see, and even if the pain is unbearable now I just HAVE to keep going, even when

I'm hopeless and dying is the only way out. Even though I can't get better. There is no choice here.

I have no idea when it will end. But there is no decision to be made here.

Breathe...1, 2, 3. Breathe.

Barrier

Barrier (Break Through)

 

I’m inside a glass box

Watching everyone, frustration growing

As I shake the box, as I call for help

I’m trapped, all alone, and no one can break the glass

Let me out, let me out

Before I suffocate

In this space, in my thoughts

What will it take to get outside

(Or to bring someone in?)

Giving Up

Giving Up

 

Alone? Alone.

Don't lie to me.

You're not here for me,

You can't be

When all you see is someone grabbing for attention

So with this thought I say goodbye

I'll stop talking altogether

Never bother you again

Thanks for believing me, deceiving me

Goodbye, goodbye.

Life spent suffocating in a little box

Life spent suffocating in a little box

 

Say goodbye

Goodnight

The world is dark

Choking me

With my negative mind

Can't find my breath

Where are my lungs?

Where am I?

Faceless, nameless

Invisible and locked far away

Alone.

Goodbye, goodnight

Sensitive [Unfinished]

Sensitive

 

Think something's wrong with me

Something, something's broken

Am I broken?

Think there's a leak

Did someone puncture me

Or did I leave the faucet on?

 

Can't stop crying, gasping

Why do these nothings get to me?

Never know what will set me off

Merry Christmas, Have Some Irony

What if I killed myself on Christmas Day

Wrote a note then threw my life away?

Death rings a deafening silence through

Happy birthday Jesus; I just wanted to see You.

 

Joy turns to mournful tears

(I cry but no one hears.)

Don't you understand? This is my Christmas wish

Never put it on a list

And my disappearance is now your gift

Fade

Fade

 

I'm giving up

Nothing was ever enough

Unless too much for you

Am I only looking for attention? Who

Can decide for me

Anything I wanted or tried to be?

If there's no solution to this

Better save you distress and become mist

There is no other way

Close my eyes; it's time to fade.

I don't have the answers

How are you supposed to reply to "How are you?" when the answer is "I almost killed myself last night?"

What do you say to "What's up?" when the answer is "I just put a knife to my skin too many times to count?"

Light / Dark (title uncertain)

Nothing will silence my mind

My thoughts a constant stream of words unkind

No one will mind if I die tonight, no one will mind

Darkness consume me if not the light

 

Drop my body on the ground

Revel in the sudden sound

Close my eyes and play dead

Will it become true if I pretend?

 

Stab my heart and twist the knife

Speed up the ending of my life

I just want this pain to end

‘Cause I just can’t defend

 

Rescue me from the dark

Please don’t let me fall apart

I don’t know why I can’t find

The light, the light; does it shine

For me?

Help me see

 

My life has always been fine but I have never been

I can’t help but sit and watch the world spin

No one will mind if I die tonight, no one will mind

Dress me in black and say goodbye

 

Rescue me from the dark

Please don’t let me fall apart

I don’t know why I can’t find

The light, the light; does it shine

For me?

Help me see

 

Oh, let me go

I don’t want to hold on so

Tightly, as the chain around my neck

There’s no turning back, no turning back

 

Will anyone mind if I die tonight?

Can you pull me out into the light?

I don’t want to make you cry

I don’t really want to say goodbye

 

urges

i screwed up

screwed up--i'm a screwup

i didn't think it would be like this

i'm sorry

please 

you shouldn't have gone to sleep

i don't want you to sleep while you're upset with me

i'm a screwupscrewupscrewup

can't breathe

i just want to presspresspress hard until

blood

red to punish, red to calm even though i deserve this guilt

i just want to stop feeling already

i'm sorry

liberosis

liberosis 

 

I want to scream

"stop moving on without me"

but then I remember

that your life is an infinitely large novel

and I am but a few paragraphs on a page.

glance

glance

 

last night I had a dream that you found out

panic did not exist in your eyes like it did in my chest

you took my arm when I pulled it away

and examined the mess I had made

ugly red marks, I was ashamed

you were silent still, in quiet understanding

friend, please say you will see

in reality, because I didn’t know I needed this until

my sleep led me to believe you might

not really a poem but oh well

worthless trash

if i say goodbye

goodbye

goodbye

just for the attention

what does that make me

 

i want someone to see me

but i'm so so unworthy

attention-seeking

useless

i'm sorry

sick

my guts are trying to climb up out of my insides

jump up through my throat

Drain

Drain

 

I want blood, give me blood

Let it flood up the tub

Don't want yours, no, no, no

I only want to see my own

Red draining out of my arms

Oh don't you be alarmed

When I start to gasp and choke

Dying as I soak

In this blood, blood, blood

Let it rain, let it pour, let it flood

 

Always flowing within me

Want it to flow out where I can see

Beads and then drips

Goosebumps on my skin as the cold nips

I take the metal edge and slice

Opening up despite everyone's advice

 

I want blood, give me blood

Let it flood up the tub

Don't want yours, no, no, no

I only want to see my own

Red draining out of my arms

Oh don't you be alarmed

When I start to gasp and choke

Dying as I soak

In this blood, blood, blood

Let it rain, let it pour, let it flood

 

Nothing to be scared of

It's only a little blood

 

Disturbed

Disturbed

 

disgusting 

I both despise and enjoy the taste

as I lick up my own blood

dripping from my arm

trash

i deserve nothing less

than to slice my skin open with a knife

for no one to mind at all

Attention Seeking

Attention Seeking

 

Everything revolves around

My friends and how they treat me

And comparing the way they interact with me

To their friendships with others

And no it isn't healthy

That I think lowly of myself when

I realize the others are close

Or they don't talk to me that week

I shouldn't take everything so personally

Yet

Yet

Yet

Feeling unnwanted seems to be

Where my mind is set on heading lately.

to drift apart

to drift apart

 

let go, you'll drift

palm to palm, finger to finger

you slide away from me

fingertip grazes fingertip

and then nothing but empty space

fills the air between us

goodbye, my friend

this pressure in my chest intensifies

as i choke out a sob

and watch the heels of your sneakers turn on the pavement

i hope to see you again

but for tonight, and tomorrow, and this year

i cannot solve what's wrong with me

so i can only say goodbye

Lent

Lent

 

40 days to give up something in my life.

Ran it through my head; put away sugary carbonated drinks?

(I tried for four days to give up my knife.)

I haven't been to church in a month, I think.

But I haven't worshipped in longer.

God, I'm not giving up on You, because that's my biggest fear

Well, I'd drop a bad habit if only I were stronger

Some days I think I'll just give up in general but that's not what You want to hear

 

My friendships break my heart day in and day out

I wish they'd hear me but they don't have much time

To make me a priority and talk about

All the ways I'm not okay and all the metaphorical grime

That covers my heart nowadays; what with how cynical

I'm coming to be, how much I hate who I am

My thoughts rising to the pinnacle

How dark they could possibly get, I tell them to scram

 

But maybe I must let go of you, my poison

The cyanide I'm drinking in each time you don't reply

You kill me over and over as if time is frozen

For everyone but you; when you said you cared, I feel you may have lied.

Bloody knife in your hand, pain in my chest

I turn away from you and remember my 40 days, something I must choose.

For all the times I blocked you out then second-guessed

Maybe I must give up entirely, finally give up on you.

Attached

Attached

I have a terrible habit

Of wanting emotional closeness with every person I meet

Longing for meaning

Where it just doesn't exist

 

The higher your hopes become

The harder you hit the pavement when you fall

 

I've always longed for a storybook friendship

Filled with special moments contained within the mundane

I spill my guts to strangers, acquaintances, and friends all the same

It's gotten me nowhere but hurt and lonely

 

For reaching too high

For being too honest

 

Sometimes I wish my sensitive heart would cease

In its beating

Shut up, curl up, shrivel up

And die.

Yonder

Yonder

Why does my breath feel caught in my throat

But air is passing in and out of my lungs just fine?

Can you see it on my face

That whether a room is crowded or empty

It all feels like silence to me?

The quiet rumbling of the air vent

Is making my skin crawl

And I can't touch the scene around me

Being acknowledged or even conversed with

Doesn't feel like a connection

There's a constant barrier in my mind

That makes me separated, within the same space

I don't think anyone can change what's off

In this head of mine.

Ignored

Ignored

You know how you said there was still hope?

To piece together our broken friendship?

We cannot begin to mend this

If you're always ignoring me for weeks on end

Especially when the main problem is communication

You told me there was hope if one believed in it

Tell me, when did you stop hoping?

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 07.01.2017

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Nächste Seite
Seite 1 /