Chapter 1

It all started when I got my first letter from my dad on my 25th birthday. My birthday day is October 26 1982. My dad was in TX in a prison doing time when he wrote me this letter. I stared at the letter for a long time not knowing if I wanted to open it or not. After about fifteen minutes went by I decided to open the letter and read what he wrote. And this is what it said:
This letter is a hard one to write, I know I haven’t been in your life, My mother and father you grandparents were there for your Birthdays and graduation, ect. I have all your pitchers growing up. 1983 when you were 1 year’s old in Newport, NH, to 1993 when you were eleven years old. In 1994 when you were twelve years old, and your grand dad got you a RCA portable CD player. I keep all you pictures close to my heart Samantha. I want you to know that I truly, truly loved you very much, and it wasn’t you or your mom that caused me to do the things I did. I always loved your mother. She was a very good Christian woman and I was a drunk and a drug addict. I’ll never forget how you mother and I met each other. We were going to school at Job Corp. She was learning to be a chief and I was taken up computers. I was playing pool in the gym when she walked in she had on a pretty white dress. We were both about twenty year’s old (“ I said to another girl,” who is that pretty lady on the stairs in that pretty dress? She had long flowing red hair she was Beautiful. “She said her name is Doris.” So I asked her would you like to play a game of pool? “ I said if I win I get to take you out to dinner.’ Doris said well what if I win? Well I thought a second and “ said I still get to take you out to dinner please,! Doris said then why even play pool? Just take me out to dinner.) So that weekend, Job Corp let a bunch of us go in to Burlington Vermont. We had a blast. But I started drinking and ended up kicked out of school. Doris left with me, so not only that I ruined my chance at computer training, but I ruined your mothers chance at a good career at cooking. We moved back to Newport, NH. Your mother was working, and I was getting drunk all the time, I never hurt you mom physically , but I hurt her mentally a lot. But I loved her and she loved me, and then you were born. I have the Christmas picture of me holding you at Christmas time, I was 22 years old then. I named you Samantha Lynn, after a dream I had before you were born. Your mom remembered the dream I had. I was in Jail for being drunk when you were born we lived in Burlington Vermont. I was working two jobs while your mom rested from giving birth to you. We lived In a nice hotel. I remember I worked from six in the morning until 12 midnight from my second job. When I would get home from work sometimes you would be upset and I would hold you in my arms and you would go fast to sleep. You always would wait for daddy to get home before you would sleep at 12 midnight. You were three months old then. I guess you could smell or since who I was. Early in the morning at about five o’clock am before I went to work I would wake you up and feed you breakfast. It was the only real time I could spend with you before work. I would hold you and sing you to sleep. I had stopped drinking then for almost a year. Then one night I went passed a bar on pay day and I thought I could have one, seeing I had stopped for so long. But I was wrong, one lead to another and soon I ended up in another state drunk doing drugs, ect. I didn’t pay our rent at the motel. I blew everything, your mom moved back to Newport, NH, to her mom’s and I ended up in Jail. I tried to get your mom to go back with me but she had the last straw. I couldn’t blame her a bit, so I hitch hiked to California to Hollywood. I worked for the college movies and made money. I spent all my nights in and out of bars and doing meth, cocaine, and drinking a lot.
Soon I was buying more drugs and I ended up in Jail in LA. County. They shipped me to wayside prison. I did one and half years there and got out on good behavior, I hated LA by then and moved to Bethesda Maryland, near Washington, DC. I met a guy, we put are money together and become very successful in a business. But I started drinking and doing drugs again, and soon I lost my truck to DWI and soon the business folded. The police told me if I didn’t want to go to prison that I should leave Bethesda Maryland for good. They walked me to the subway, and made sure I got on. I then hitched hiked to Florida Tampa. It seemed the more money I made, the more dugs id buy. I had so many really good chances to be someone. A movie star, a big business man, a father to you, a husband to you mom. But drugs tore my life and everyone that I loved apart. I feel so ashamed of how I hurt you by not being there for my little baby girl. I know I have done wrong but Samantha you’ll always be my little girl, your blood is my blood running threw you. I know I can never make up for all that I have done to you. But I can be there for you now if you want me too? I am no longer the drunk and drug addict I was. I have not touched a drink or drugs for seven years now! I love you very much Samantha and I am sorry. If you decide you don’t want anything to do with me I will understand. But always remember I always have loved you.
When I went to Tampa Florida I ended up doing a four time bid of over ten years in prison. So a lot of my time has being in prisons for doing drugs and drinking. I had received a letter in the mail that you mom an her new husband your step dad wanted to adopt you. He was in the service in Newport News Virginia. It said that if I wanted to stop the adoption. I had to go to court in Virginia. There was no way for me to I was locked up in prison at the time. I knew it would be better for you to be adopted by your step dad because he could get Medical, Dental and other Benefits, School, college, ect for you. Plus when you marry some day your last name would change. But nothing could ever change the fact you’re my daughter. There’s so much I wish I new about you. I am an artist, I love Harley Davidson motor cycles, I write poems now and then and country songs, I was born in Bennington VT March, 30 1960, Your mom was the only woman I ever married and I never married again, You are my only child I never had another child, I love camping and the ocean, I play Guitar Country Music, I wear county clothes like a cowboy hat, boots, western shirts and I love horses. If you decide to write me I have some pictures of me that you can have. I love you and hope you will write to me. Just remember every birthday that go’s by your daddy has always thought of you and loves you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA).

After I read the first letter I was crying, thinking to my self wow I am really going to get a chance to really meet my father from all of these years. The thought of getting that chance now put me into anxiety attack and it was hard to breath. Cause that‘s what I wanted when I grew up was to meet my dad and really know what he really was not just by what others have told me. So I wrote back to my dad which was in prison. But how I new he was in prison was that on the envelope was the address on where he was at and it had a prison number on it, plus stamped. He sent me a paper of when he was supposed to get out of prison and it said 4/10/2012 max time served. But until then we both mail each other letters back an fourth when we could.

Chapter 2

On 4/10/2012 my dad called me to let me know that he was out and free from doing his time in prison. He stayed in Texas for about a week on the streets with no food or money with him. Until one day my dad called me and said that he was sleeping in a park and it was raining plus in was very cold out. All I herd over the phone while he was talking was the shivering chatter from his teeth tapping together. Then I got off the phone with my dad, and that’s when I talked to John and we both talked about buying him a bus ticket to come back to NH and VT area closer to us. It was around the time that I was getting my income tax return money and I used that money to get him a bus ticket home which was a little over a hundred dollars for the ticket.
Also At the time that my dad was in prison doing his time, John and I got together and he purposed to me and I said yes. John and I were together for a year before he purposed to me, and we both made a date to get married in Jun of 2012. In one of my letters that I sent my dad while he was in prison doing his time. I told him that I wanted him to be there to walk me down the isle, and my dad said “I wouldn’t miss it, and I will be there.”
Then Both John and I told my dad all of the information about what time to get on the bus and where to go and how to get the ticket from the bus station. We set the bus information up that he was getting on the bus in TX, and being dropped of in VT but of course with many bus changes. We both made plans with my aunt by phone that she was going to pick him up which was his sister, and bringing him to her place to stay for a while before he got on the bus in TX. The next phone call that we got was from my dad saying that he is on the earlier bus. I was a little confused on why he was on the earlier bus. But I was happy about it hearing my dad so happy on the phone. Knowing that my dad was on his way back home. It made me feel like, wow I am now going to get a chance to meet my father for the first time in my life. On the second day of his travel, he called me and said that he’s at the bus stop in VA. He told me that he had to wait for many hours to get on the bus cause he took the earlier bus in TX, plus he had no money to get any food and he was hungry. Then he told me that the lady at the desk told him that if he didn’t want to wait around for the next bus that he could continue on the way as he was, but he would have to pay a fee of $15.00. So we set it up that John and I were going to money gram some money to him so he could get some food, and for the fee for him to get on the bus again, instead of waiting many hours at that station. A couple hours went by when I got my dad’s next phone call, and he told me that he was back on the bus heading home. The next phone call from my dad was that he arrived in VT, and he is sitting at the bus station waiting for his sister to pick him up. Which this was also my dad’s first time meeting his sister too.
See my dad was adopted when he was a child as what my mom told me, when I wanted to know more about my dad when I was a teenager. That was pretty much all that my mom’s side of the family told me that he was a drunk and that he was adopted, plus that he wasn’t a nice guy when he drank either. They all wanted me to forget about him, like they didn’t want me to know anything about him. After a while I stopped asking about my dad on my mom’s side of the family, they wouldn’t talk or tell me anything about him. So after that I just told my self (oh well) and went on with growing up.
About a hour later my dad called me back and said that he met my aunt and his sister, and they were heading back to her place. When they get there he would call me back to let me know. And then a couple hours later I got a phone call from my dad saying that he’s at my aunts house. He told me that he was going to get something to eat and take a nap for a while. I was so happy that he was back home, and happy that he met his sister, and that soon I will be meeting him for the first time too.

Chapter 3

John and I plus my aunt made plans for the next couple weeks to go down so I could meet my dad for the first time. We packed are stuff and the kids in the Tracker “Julie, Christenia, Christopher” and drove two to three hours away to my aunts place. When we got closer to my aunts place I started to feel the anxiety going through me like the wind. I told John to stop the car for a second so I could have a cigarette to calm my nerves. After I was done with my cigarette I got back in the car even though my nerves were still there and the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. We all headed on the road where my aunt lived. As we looked for my aunt’s place we spotted two men out side of one place and they waved. So John parked the car out front of my aunts place. I saw my dad for the first time seeing him smile like anything to me and the same smile right back. So then I started to get out of the Tracker and then I closed the door. In that second that I closed the door my dad was right in front of me with open arms and he gave me the longest hug ever. I was so happy that I started to cry like I was bursting with joy all over. Then I gave my dad a present that I picked out for him a week ago. I handed him a cross necklace. He opened the box and started to have tears in his eye’s. I new that he would love that cross when I first saw it at the store. He loved talking about the bible even in his letters that he sent me.
As we started to walk to the front door of my aunt’s place, she was on the porch and she gave me a hug too. This was also my first time meeting my aunt, besides talking with her on the computer. My Aunt wanted to take pictures out side next to one of the trees that was near her porch. After the picture taken time was all done. Then we all started to walk in side to sit down in the living room. We all started chatting about family and showing picture of family that I never met yet. Then as we all sat down in the living room on the couch and chairs and talked with each other. I looked at my dad, that was looking at me. So I asked him what’s the matter. He said “how can a ugly guy like me, make a pretty women like you“. I started to blush and smile at the same time, and told him thank you dad, plus telling him on the side your not ugly. After a while my dad started to go through my Aunt’s chest freezer for some meat to cook a meal for all of us. My dad took out some frozen chicken out, and brought it to the kitchen to thaw out for a while. Then after it was done thawing out for a while enough to separate it apart to cook it was a little frozen but it was ok Then he started to cook the chicken, and Julie started to peel the potatoes for him. Then he started to heat up some veggies to go along with the meal. It was a moment that I will never forget it, it was like a Julie Grandpa event happening.
It started to get darker out, and John and I didn’t plan on spending the night at my aunt’s place. But John and I started to talk a while on the porch while the kids were playing inside with my dad. During our talk on the porch together, I told him that I didn’t want to leave so soon. John and I decided that we were going to stay the night but we would have to pick up some cloths for the kids for in the morning. So my dad watched the kids while John and I went to the store to get clothes. It took John and I about twenty minutes to a half an hour to get back to my Aunts place from the store. When we walked through the door my dad had already put together the sleeping arrangements on the floor were the kids and my dad would sleep. John and I would sleep on the couch. The kids started to head to bed, and my dad, John and I didn’t go to sleep right off we went outside to smoke a cigarette on the porch. Well My dad and I did, John didn’t smoke, but he sat down on the porch with us and we all chatted for many hours. Then we went in side to get ready for bed. For at least twenty minutes I just couldn’t get comfortable on the couch it was to small for two people. So I got up and went to the bathroom and came back and picked up a blanket and told John that I would be sleeping sitting up in the chair by the window. My dad herd me say that to John and told me to lay down on the floor next to him and the kids. It was like a slumber party on the floor. Then what my dad said to John was too funny. My dad told John “sorry John but steeling your women for the night”. We all started to laugh quietly so we wouldn’t wake up the kids.
The next morning came, and we all woke up. My dad was the first to wake up and started making coffee in my Aunt’s kitchen. While the coffee was brewing, my dad turned on the TV, and put cartoons on for the kids. After the coffee was done my dad then poured himself and I a cup of coffee, and sat down in the living room on the couch. We both drank are coffee and chatted sitting on the couch, about anything that we could to catch up on the past, that we both have missed out on doing together. It was getting close to 11am that we had to get things ready to go back home, even though I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay as many days as I could. But I new that I couldn’t, and that was hurting me in side to know that I would have to leave my dad again, when we just met. John and I got are things in the Tracker, and I knew that this good bye was going to be the hardest thing for me with tears. I gave my dad a big long hug, and before I knew it we were both crying. My dad and I wiped are tears and smiled at each other. Then John and I plus the three children got in the Tracker. Tears were again running gown my face as I looked at my dad out the tracker window, still not wanting to leave. As John started the Tracker and started to drive away slowly out of the driveway on to the road. I just kept on looking at my dad, and noticing that the look on his face was very sad. I knew that he didn’t want me to leave either. He didn’t tell me with words, but the look on his face said everything. I continued to look at my dad as we drove down the road until we took a turn, and I was no longer was able to see him in my sight.
The two to three hour drive was very long for me sitting in the Tracker. With my heart aching, tears rolling down my face, and my mind wanting to jump out of the Tracker and run back to him with open arms of happiness. But I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do that, and it hurt me in side. So tears still running down my face remembering the good times we had on are visit and it was a quiet ride home.

Chapter 4

All of us arrived back home that seemed to be for many days for me, but was a two to three hour drive. When we all brought our stuff in from the Tracker, and put it all away. I called my dad to let him know that we were back home, but my Aunt answered the phone and told me that “he was sad and upset from me leaving that he took a nap”. So I told my Aunt “ok when he wakes up tell him we are back home and that I will talk to him later or he can call me later either way”. My Aunt said “ok” We both said “bye” and hung up the phone.
After a couple weeks of calling my dad and my dad calling me on the phone. I received a phone call from my Aunt saying that my dad is drinking and drunk as we speak plus walking around causing problems. At the time when I got the news from my Aunt. I said to my self “ oh god he’s not supposed to drink anymore any why”? My aunt got my dad on the phone after many hours and when he was a little more sober to talk from drinking. I started to talk with him asking him what was going on and why are you drinking. My dad started to talk and to cry on the phone saying that he did wrong and that he was sorry Then it started when we were talking that he was yelling at me and saying things that didn’t make since. I knew that at that point, he was still drinking and wasn’t close to being sober plus he was hanging up on me and calling me back many times. I got sick of all of the multi phone calls he was making that I shut off the phone. I waited to call him back for a couple days, and taking the chance that he would be sober. Then I could talk with him when he wasn’t drinking and acting like a crazy person on the phone.
Then the couple days pasted and I called him, he answered the phone and he sounded like he wasn’t drinking I could understand him clear which put a smile on my face. So I asked him why he started drinking again and that’s when he said “ I was stressed out from being here in the house and not going anywhere plus with everything going on in the family (disputes). Then he told me that he’s an adult and not in prison anymore that no one can tell him not to drink if he wants a drink”. My dad at that point in his voice sounded like he was pissed and like don’t mess with me attitude . So I said “ok” just to leave it at that. I didn’t want to argue with my dad and never did.
Then I asked my dad that if it is to stressful to be there, then would you like to stay with us for a while? My dad said “ well I wouldn’t want to be a burden to you with your wedding coming up and the move to your new place”. I told my dad “ how would you be a burden you are my dad, your family plus you could help us with the wedding setting up and help me pack”. Then my dad said ok. Then I told my dad that I would call him back.
Then John and I talked about when and what time to pick up my dad. We decided to pick him up the next day around noon to three o’clock. Then I called my dad and my Aunt back to let them know that night on are plans to pick him up. My Aunt told me “that if that’s what he wants to do then it’s up to him, but he can’t come back her to stay. He caused to many problems with the people around here, plus my landlord don’t want him here either.
The next day we all got up and John got ready to leave to pick up my dad. The kids and I stayed home cause there wouldn’t be any room in the Tracker for all of us and my dad, plus I had to do the packing for the move to are new place that we got. So while John was leaving and on his way to get my dad, I started to pack and clean plus watching the kids, then the phone rang. It was my Aunt calling me to tell me that my dad was taking all of her food that she had, in the house with him and putting it in a big plastic bag. Know she made it sound like he filled that bag to the top and left nothing in her house to eat. So I told her to calm down and that I really don’t know what to do, but to talk to him to find out what’s going on. Then I told my Aunt let me call you in a few I will call John and let him know on what you told me and find out where he is at. So I call John’s cell phone that he had on him, and told him about what my Aunt told me and that I was going to call back and talk with my dad. I also asked John how far away was he at, “he said maybe a half hour away”. So I said ok, and we both hung up are phones.
So then I called my Aunt she handed my dad the phone, and I asked him what’s going on with this food thing. My dad then said that he was only taking his food that he got from the food shelf and that he doesn’t know what she’s was talking about. So as I was on the phone talking with my dad I hear my Aunt in the back ground saying that John is here, then I heard his voice going in the my Aunt’s place.
Then my Aunt got back on the phone and told me that she doesn’t have a lot of food in her frig now. Know right at this point I felt like I was in the middle of this hole thing just because my dad is going to be staying with us know. So I plainly told my Aunt I don’t know I don’t know what to do I am not there and I asked her to hand the phone to John. So know John was on the phone. I asked him to see what size bag that my dad had, and I told him everything that my Aunt said to me. So John said hold on I will find out and I just got here plus I just got out of the bathroom. I told him “ok call me back” and I let him go, to go check out what was the big deal, and waited for him to call me back. So while waiting for John to call me back while finding out how big the bag was and how much food my dad put in the bag. I continued with the house over on my end. Then the phone rang again as I just started something and again I had to stop with what I was doing. It was John I picked up the phone. John then he told me that it was a regular kitchen trash bag, and that it was only not even half full. So I said “ok”. Then John told me that he would call me back when they leave and on there way back. So John and I hung up the phone, and then about ten to fifteen minutes later the phone rings again. Know at this point I wanted to throw the phone out the door, but didn’t. It was John, he said “we are in the Tracker and on are way”. I said “ok” and we both hung up the phone again. Then I went back to cleaning and packing again. After about three hours went by they showed up back home. My dad was the first one to get out of the Tracker, and he grabbed his stuff out from the back. John then got out of the Tracker, and they both walked up to the front door. I opened the door for them and gave a hug to my dad.
Before they showed up I set up everything for my dad on where he could sleep. I showed my dad where he could put all of his stuff at in the house. Then we went out on the porch where we could have a cigarette. I told my dad that I don’t smoke in the house it’s not good for the kids to be around the smoke. It was getting dark out now and my dad started to get everything ready for bed and we all did the same. We all said good night to each other and went to bed.

Chapter 5

The next morning came and I woke up and walked to the kitchen to find out that my dad was already up and on the porch. My dad was smoking a cigarette and drinking his coffee. That’s when I noticed that he made a pot of coffee.
So I said good morning to my dad and walked to the coffee maker to pour myself a cup. Then I left the coffee cup with coffee in it on the counter, and walked to the bathroom to refresh myself. Then I walked back to the kitchen, and grabbed my cup and headed to the porch wear my dad was at. The kids weren’t up yet, so I set my coffee down and lit a cigarette with my dad. As I looked at my dad I knew that he wasn’t fully awake, and neither was I, but we chatted quietly. Then John woke up walked to the bathroom, and then on to the porch, and started to chat with us. After about twenty minutes all the kids got up and sat down in front of the TV to watch cartoons.
See it was a Sat, and it was my day off from work. I work as a housekeeper. I have been at my job for almost a year. Plus when my dad moved in to stay with us it was at the end of May after my daughters birthday. John and I had brought the kids sparklers for the 4th of July to have fun. We bought the sparklers about a couple weeks before my dad moved in with us. But when we got told by the landlord of are new place saying that we couldn’t use fireworks or sparklers on the property, that’s when we planned to have the kids have fun with them before we move. Which was a great idea summing my dad was with us. So John and I decided that on my next day off we would light the sparklers for the kids, and my dad.
On this nice sunny summer day we all went out side with the kids to play. My oldest Julie road her bike, and the other two were in the wagon in the back yard. My dad was pulling the wagon for the kids, and John and I hung out the laundry out on the line to dry. After the laundry was done, I sat on the porch for a while watching the kids and my dad having so much fun. It was so nice to see my dad laugh and smile. My dad started to get tired and then Julie took over on pulling the wagon as my dad sat down for awhile. Then we all went back in side cause it was starting to get dark, and we have been outside all day. I guess you could say that we were burning day light having fun in the sun.
John and I left the clothes outside to dry, and we would get them in the morning if they were dry enough through the night. We cooked dinner, we ate and then we sat up for a while. The kids put in a movie to watch in the living room. Then John, My dad, and my self went on the porch with the laptop computer and started to play games. I started to play this pool game that my dad was interested in playing but he didn’t know how to play, so I showed him how to play. That’s when he said “I know how to play pool at a real pool table but I am not good playing pool on the computer”. That’s when I told my dad “ I have been playing this game for a while”, and at first I didn’t know how to play the game on the computer myself either”. We both smiled, and he went back to try another game on the computer. After the movie was over the kids got ready for bed, my dad and I plus John were talking about this and that on the porch. After a while went by that we had are cigarettes and played computer games, plus chatting that it was late and time to get ready for bed. The kids were already a sleep, and we headed to bed our selves. We all said good night to each other and my dad gave me a hug. John and I went to our bedroom to get in to bed, and as we settled in under the blanket. I whispered to John I had a great day with my dad, and good night sweetie. Then the lights were out.


Texte: Samantha
Bildmaterialien: Samantha
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 20.02.2013

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To my Dad and My self

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