Live life to your fullest extent. That’s what the people in my life tell me all the time. I would love for people to take a walk in my shoes for once. Everyone looks at me like I’m some sort of freak. No one knows how hurt I am on the inside. I cry and cut. I cry because I cut. I cut because I like the feeling of the blade penetrating my skin. It feels like I’m letting something dark out. My scars let me know that I am real; they remind me of everything I go through. I used to be the kind of girl to smile when I was with my friends. I used to be happy every single day. Until the day my best friend Sam died. She and I were the best of friends. No matter what happened we were always by each other’s side. Maybe if I would have been with her that night I would have been able to save her.
I lay awake in my bed. Waiting for that buzzing to go off. Telling me to get up for another horrible day of school. An opportunity to be harassed by every kid in that hell hole. 5:44……. 5:45. Beep. Beep. Beep. I hit the button and throw my alarm clock at the wall. And mutter “piece of shit.” I role out of bed.
“Alex you’re going to be late if you don’t get your ass moving!!!!.” My mom shouts from downstairs. I hate when she shortens my name. What the hell why did she call me Alexavia if she wants to call me Alex.
“YES I KNOW!!!! I’M UP!” I shout back
Her voice gets louder, “Don’t give me attitude! I’m your mom show respect you spoiled bitch.”
It takes me about an hour to get ready. I walk down stairs with my things Look at my mom. See looks at me and stares.
She sighs. A heavy sigh. “Why on earth are you always wearing black and one thing that has color? You look like death. Get up stairs and find something else to wear.”
I shake my head no and continue walking to the door. “I’ll see you when I get home. Bye.”
“Whatever! But when the other kids at school harass you don’t come home upset!! I’m tired of it.” She calls to me.
I walk up the side walk. Hear the kids waiting outside for the doors to open. I walk up to my usual spot where no one stands. After waiting for about 5 minutes, I see a shadow walking towards me. Great I think to myself. Someone is going to mess with me already.
A shy voice faintly speaks, “Hey... Umm can you help me, I’m Sebastian Knight? I’m new to this school. Just moved here. I don’t know where I’m going or anything.”
I look up he is smiling. His smile is making me weak in the knees. I look away. I don’t want to be rude. So I look back at him and clear my throat.
“Ugh hi. I’m Alexavia, ok let me see your schedule?” My voice feels like a whisper.
He is dressed in all black. His hair straightened. And my favorite brand of shoes. Converses!
“Here ya go,” he hands me his schedule. It looks exactly like mine.
I hesitate when I go to give him the schedule. The wind blows and I catch the faintest hint of Irish spring. And something else but I can’t quite make it out.
“I can just show you were to go. If you want. You have the same exact classes as me.” I hope he doesn’t think this means were friends.
He smiles an even bigger smile moves closer. I can smell Irish spring again. I take in a deep breath he smells amazing.
“So, what we just stand here until 8:45?” his voice is very deep. It gives me goose bumps. I take his sight in. Everything about him seems perfect. Then I notice scars are located on his right wrist. There are so many, more than I have. He notices me staring and quickly hides them with his sleeve.
He clears his throat and sighs a long and heavy sigh. “I know what you’re thinking. Oh a crazy kid. Well it’s not-”
I stop him before he can say another word I move my hand to my wrist pull all of the bracelets out of the way so he can have a look. I point and say, “Its fine I have scars too. Some are really old and then there are the fresh cuts.”
He looks at my arm and takes the view in. “Wow. Do you want to hang out after school? Maybe show me around?”
He really just asked me to hang out with him. That’s a new one. “I guess I can do that.”
"Alright! Sounds good. So how long have you been going to this school?" he was starting to ask me questions. Oh boy.
I sighed and said, "my whole life actually. I've always lived here with my mom."
"Oh how about your dad?"
"Well when I was about five years old he was on his way home from the bar. He was always drunk. And he he got in a car crash. The car hit a tree and he was stuck inside. The way the car hit the tree killed him before the ambulance even got there."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
I went to say it's fine but the bell rang interrupting our conversation.
We and on we went to first period.
I finally had someone to sit with at lunch. During that Sebastian told me about him and his home life. It didn’t sound any better than what mine is. On our way to his house I told him about me, my mom and what happened to my best friend Sammy and why she had commit suicide. I learned that Sebastian lives with his dad and eleven year old brother. He barely sees both. His brother is usually with his mom. Who doesn’t want anything to do with him and his dad is always at work or the bar or at a random girl’s house.
His mom left when he was 14 years old. He told me his mom was kind of a nut. But it was mainly because of his father always cheating and coming home drunk. He told me that he had never had a girlfriend. I was surprised to hear that. He was infact very goodlooking.
We were sitting in the middle of the cafe. We were the only two sitting at the table.
"So how come you have never had a girlfriend?" I was so surprised that he didn't it was just weird.
He smiled at the question, "Well there's the first reason I find girls to be annoying and needy. All the girls I knew where very dramatic and cheated on all their boyfriends. And the second reason is I was only ever friends with two people. Their name's were Anya and Jackson. And the third I was unpopular most girls found me "distubing"." We both laughed at his answer.
At that time we made eye contact. It was a weird minute of just looking at each other. He didn't look away and neither did I. It was like my eyes were glued to his. I felt liked we were the only two in the cafe. I know it sounded weird but there was something I felt. I felt a pull towards him. I quickly looked away. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do.
The bell rang for lunch to be over. For the rest of the day we had our last classes.
When the school day eneded he met me at my locker. He told me we had to stop at his house first.
We arrived at his house which just so happened to be 4 houses down from mine. He unlocked the door and we went in. We walked up the stairs to his bedroom. He had a lock on his door? What does he have to hide from his dad and brother? When he opened the door I saw black. Nothing else but black. The walls, his bedding, and there was a black blanket hanging in front of the window blocking the sunlight from coming in. So he doesn’t like sunlight. He is more like me than I thought.
“I like to keep to myself a lot. Black makes me feel enclosed in an area. I don’t feel like people are invading my privacy.” He said with a sly smile on his face.
He had all these band posters scattered on his wall. Bring Me The Horizon, The Devil Wears Parada, Asking Alexandria, and all my other favorite bands. He is a cool guy good taste in music.
He went over to his bed set his stuff and sat down on the edge and started messing with his phone.
“Come on over and sit. I won’t bite. I promise.” He had the cutest smile ever. I loved his smile.
“Ok.” I walked over and put my things on the floor. I started to get the smell of his Irish spring scent. I started to shiver. It made me feel good inside. I have no clue why but his scent was driving me crazy.
“You cold?” He asked looking down at me.
I am so stupid. “Sort of.” He handed me a blanket that was black with purple in it. I wrapped it around me. The scent of him surrounds me. Shit I thought to myself. This is terrible.
“So what do you want to do? I can’t go out just yet we have to wait another 4 hours until my brother gets back so I can tell him to go next door. He isn't suppose to be home alone my dad doesn't trust him so they hired our neighbors to watch him."
I was going to be alone with him that long. Oh god. “I don’t know what is there to do.” I said.
He looked around his room. Sighed and said, “Well I’m a person that has no life so I don’t have any of the cool stuff people do. We can listen to music if you want.” He got up and went to his stereo.
Well he did have a nice butt I’ll give him that one. He grabbed a CD case and put one of his CD’s into the stereo. It started to play Asking Alexandria. Not The American Average. One of my favorite songs.
“I love this song.” I said this with a big smile on my face.
“Me too. I usually listen to this song every day.” He came back and sat next to me again this time a bit closer than before. Damn did he smell so good.
Halfway between the song he pumped his leg into mine. I did it back. After doing that a couple of times it started into him tickling me. For the love of god. I hate when people do that.
Then it turned into him pinning me down to the floor. He had my arms above my head and he was looking into my eyes. His gaze was intense. My breathing was very heavy. And so was his. I smiled and he smiled.
Before I knew what he was doing our lips touched. My eyes closed. I took in the way his lips moved against mine. His touch did something erotic to my body. He was unbelievably sexy. I heard a low groan coming from the back of his throat. Matched with my own soft groan.
I finally realized what was happening. And I tried to pull away. I moved away from him. Doing so I heard him mutter the words more. He looked up at me with those soft green eyes.
Trying to think of what to say was difficult. I couldn’t form a word. A phrase or sound. Everything was just pushed to the back of my mind. Except the way he kisses. That seems to not want to move out of my mind.
“I don’t think we should do this anymore. I barely know you. You have told me a lot about yourself. But we just met. We shouldn’t be doing this!” Did I honestly just shriek when I said that? I’m cool.
“You didn’t like it? I liked it. It may have been my first kiss but it was incredible. Just like you. And I know we don’t know each other that well. But I find you fascinating. I’m interested in everything you say. You intrigue me Alexavia.” He said this with such power
I liked the way he said my name. The way it rolled off his tongue made me want to hear him say my name over and over again.
“Alexavia?” I was in my train of thought so when he said my name made me jump.
“What?” I snapped.
“Are you ok?” he had a worried look on his face.
I got up off the bed and grabbed my stuff. “I should go. I should have never come here. It was stupid.”
I was two steps away from the door, until Sebastian was blocking my way. A tear escaped and ran down my cheek. He looked down at me with the saddest face ever.
“No don’t go and please don’t cry. I’m here. Don’t do that baby girl. It will all be fine.”
This time he wiped the tear from my cheek and held me in his arms. I longed to have someone hold me like this. To feel loved. To feel like I’m important. He held me there while I rested my head on his chest. He whispered sweet things in my ear. He told me he would always be there. He wouldn’t leave me. With all the emotions that have bunched into one they were coming out. Not from the blood on my wrist. Not from the tears. It just felt different. I didn’t know how to explain it. He was like the knife cutting into my flesh letting the blood seep out. It was something I have never experienced before. He was someone I have never expected to come into my life.
Day after day Sebastian and I were together. We went to the movies. And we had went on a date. We had also made out underneath a tree at the park. He usually held my hand everytime we were enxt to each other.We were learning more and more about each other. I listened to him and he listened to me. It was all I ever wanted since Sammy died was someone to listen to me and get what I was feeling. He got me and everything I was saying. Not once did I feel stupid, weird or anything like that.
I got to meet his little brother. I had seen his dad but I just got a hello and then he was gone.
At this very moment we were sitting at lunch. I was eating and so was he. We were cracking jokes about different things. When one of the jocks came up to the table.
“Hey freaks! What’s up?” He had that stupid grin on his face.
I looked over at Sebastian he was staring at his plate.
Then out of nowhere the jock flings his dish on lap. And says “Yo freak don’t you speak English? What the fuck bitch! When I talk to you, you answer!” He barked that sentence in my face.
There is no possible way I wasn’t frightened on what happened next. Sebastian grabbed him by the shoulder and flung him on the ground, and I heard him say “Go ahead BITCH make your move! Do something like that to her again I will lay you the hell out! That’s a fucking promise you stupid ass!”
It was like he was a whole other person. I can’t believe he was standing up for me like that. Sebastian let the jock get up before nailing him right in the face. With that punch I heard a crunch. The jock fell on his knees, holding his nose.
Sebastian started to walk. I quickly got his stuff along with mine. I followed him out the door as fast as I could. Everyone looking at Sebastian and whispering about how no one has ever stood up to Ryan like that.
“What was that?” I said as soon as we were far away from the school.
He stopped and put his hands over his face. He took a long breath. It was several long painful minutes until he answered.
“I did that because of how he was talking to you. No one is going to get away with that while I’m with you! No one talks to you like that! Or I swear to god I’ll kill them! He disrespected you! I don’t like that kid. I just…..” He stopped and started walking again.
I followed so I was right next him.
“You just what?” I asked out of curiosity. “Sebastian? Stop walking and talk to me.”
He finally made a complete stop. He didn’t turn around. I put my hand on his shoulder.
“You can talk to me. You know you can. I’m here for you just like you are for me. Now please turn around and talk to me?” I pleaded him to turn around.
He turned and looked me in the eyes. He grabbed me and hugged me like he never did before. There was something different about his hug. I couldn’t put my finger on it. But there was something different in the way he touched me. I tried once more to get him to talk.
“Please tell me what you were going to say. Whatever it is I want know so I can help you!”
He shook his head and whispered three words in my ears. Those words made me get an awkward feeling. He just said I love you.
I backed out of his embrace. I looked at him. He looked like he was going to vomit.
“What did you just say?” I needed to ask that. Maybe I didn’t hear him right. Maybe he said I owe you. I probably heard him wrong. Silly me.
He looked at me and repeated “I love you.”
I stood there. I couldn’t do anything else. But stand there with my mouth a gap. He did just say I love you. Ha I thought he said I owe you. Wow I’m seriously stupid.
“I knew saying that would freak you out. I’m sorry. Just forget I said anything to you. It doesn’t matter. It was stupid of me.” He started to get tears in his eyes. He turned away. I didn’t know how to respond. He was a boy I did like. I just never told him. I had feelings for him but I didn’t know if it was love. How could I say I love you to him?
“Just forget it Alexavia. I can see your thinking about because of the way your nose crinkles. It’s cute but I always know when you’re thinking about something.” He smiled that beautiful smile I look forward to seeing every day.
“I can’t forget that though. I like you. More than a friend. I just don’t know if it’s love. I am not the best person at this kind of feeling.”
“I understand. At least I didn’t make a complete douche out of myself. Now I don’t feel as bad for saying it.” He grabbed my hand and held it in his. His touch was warm. It was that kind of touch that lets you know that you actually mean something to that person.
He pulled me closer to him. Body to body. I looked up into his beautiful eyes. He looked down into my eyes. He lowered his head and kissed me. I craved his kiss. He kissed me with such intensity.
When he pulled away he smiled and said, “I will walk you home. No need to go back to school. It will be hell.”
My reply was smart but it made him laugh, “Isn’t it always?”
“Yea. But I’ll drop you off and then I’m going to go home. You want to do something tomorrow? Since its Saturday we could go see a movie or something.”
“Of course!” I would go do anything with him. He’s just that awesome and fun.
We walked to my house. We were holding each other’s hand. We talked about how he nailed Ryan in the face. We were making so many jokes I forgot my mom was home. She was out on the front porch. She sat up straight and yelled my name.
“Alexavia! Why aren’t you in school? Who is this?”
Great I thought. She was wasted. She started walking down the porch steps. In the process she fell down. Sebastian and I rushed over to her to help her. But all we got from her was don’t touch me I can do it myself!
“Mom I think you need to go inside and get some rest you look like shit no offense.” I muttered
“Yea and you look like a slut. Now tell me who this is. Your new depressing best friend? Or is he your boyfriend?”
Both of us just stood there. My anger was starting to kindle up inside.
“Well tell me young boy who are you? And why are you hanging around my daughter? Isn’t she a little too ugly for you to want? I can’t believe I gave birth to such a disappointment. Get away while you can she will drag you down with her.” She spit the words out. Like she has been waiting years to say that.
“I am Sebastian Knight. My father, brother and I have moved her not to long ago. And your daughter is mainly the only person I talk to and I wouldn’t change that for anything. She’s a beautiful young lady. She’s very amazing.” He said that with such cockiness. I was surprised most people wouldn’t say anything.
With that my mom started laughing. She was swaying back and forth. “If you think that thing is amazing then you must have been dropped when you were a baby. Are you alright in the head? Look at that!”
Sebastian looked at me. He whispered the words sorry. He hugged me and said in my ear so that I could only hear, “You don’t deserve this especially from your own mother. But I have to go love. I will text you I promise.”
When Sebastian left my mom and I got in a big argument. We were screaming at each other for about an hour or so. I told her she was an obnoxious drunk and she called me a disappointment to the world and told me I should kill myself just like my best friend. My mom said Sammy had the right idea.
I was upstairs. I had taken a nap, so I didn’t check my phone. I rolled over and flipped my phone open. There weren’t any messages. I was sad about that. Maybe he’s busy I thought to myself. I’ll just wait.
Four more hours went by. Still no text. It was starting to get late. So I went to bed.
I woke up the next morning. I quickly checked my phone. Still no answer.
I walked downstairs. My mom was still passed out on the couch. I had no clue what I was going to do until he texted me. I was looking forward to going out with him tonight.
I went on my facebook for awhile. I had posted pictures of Sebastian and I up yesterday. I looked at all the pictures. I did have feelings for him. Why wouldn’t I. He was nice, sweet, and he stood up for me whenever something or someone disrespected me. I really liked him. I t just wasn’t love.
For the past five hours I sat at home. No text, no call. I was starting to wonder what was going on. Maybe he was mad at me. So I tried texting him. I waited for an answer I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get one.
Three more hours passed. It was already 8:00. I guess our plans weren’t happening. I decided not to get sad or mad at him. Maybe he lost his phone. It happens.
I walked upstairs and lay down. I was listening to music when my phone finally rang! I jumped out of bed and ran over to my dresser. It was Sebastian! I opened my phone and answered.
“Hey Sebastian! I was waiting all day for you to call!” There were a few moments of silence.
Then a faint women’s voice answered. “This is Sebastian’s mother. This is Alexavia right?” The women sounded terrible.
I was shocked that it was his mom. I didn’t meet anyone in his family. “Ugh yea. Hi Mrs. Knight.”
“Please call me Jen. I have something to tell you about Sebastian. I knew who to call because we started talking again a couple of days ago. He told me how special you were. He talked about you a lot.” It sounded like she was starting to cry.
“Ok. What it is?” I asked.
“Well. When I stopped by this morning to come pick him up to spend the day together. I walked up to his bedroom. And well.” She paused. She started crying harder each time. She tried to get herself together. “When I walked in his room I found him dead. He had cut himself. I don’t know if that’s what he intended but he bled to death. I’m sorry. But can you tell me why he would have done this.”
I dropped my phone. I felt nauseous. I was going to be sick. I ran to my bathroom. I threw up. Once, twice and a third time. I started crying. I couldn’t control myself. This wasn’t really happening. Was she joking? Maybe she was. But why would his mother be joking about something like this. I stood up and screamed. I felt as though I was going to have a breakdown. Why would he leave me!
I walked into my bedroom. I was filled with sadness and rage. I practically destroyed everything in my path. In that process I crushed my phone. I hit everything off the shelves. My room was trashed.
“Why Sebastian? How could you do this?!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was pissed. I sat on my bed. I felt cold and sick. I looked at my arms. They were paler.
I wept. I cried so much that I gave myself a bloody nose. I didn’t care at this point. My throat hurt. I wanted to crawl under the sheets and stay there forever.
The date of his funeral. Friday, March 7, 2011. His family was there. I was there. And people from school were there. This was surprising. After the minster spoke it was time to hug the family and tell them how sorry we were. I had spent a little time with his mom and dad. I didn’t meet his brother yet. But his brother looked a lot like him. I stood in line waiting to do my part. When it came up to me I looked his mother straight in the eye.
“I’m sorry. I wish this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know why he would do this.”
She just shook her head and hugged me. Her hug was a strong hug. We both broke down in tears.
She spoke ever so lightly. “You know when him and I started talking again he was happier then the last time we spoke. Since he moved here with his father and met you at school he smiled a lot more. He loved you so much. I could tell. There was something different about him. And when I found him. When I found him in his room there was a note. I am going to give it to you to read. I would say go into the bathroom so you are alone.” She handed me the slip of paper and put her hand on my cheek and sighed.
I hugged his father and brother. I excused myself from the room of people. I went to the bathroom and opened the note:
“Alexavia, if you are reading this then you know what has happened. I don’t want you to think it was your fault in anyway. I know I have only known you for only a few weeks. But spending that time with you made me realize something. You made me happy. You were my only friend. No one else accepted me that first day. You were the only person I got to help me with my schedule, everyone looked at me and laughed. When we hung out every day I felt myself getting closer to you. Every day we hung out I had the best time of my life. We shared our first kiss. It felt right. But that first day we met. I looked into your eyes and knew you were the one. It’s hard to explain how I knew but I just did. But I do have my reasons for leaving. I wish you could understand but I can’t tell people what my reason is for leaving. I am sorry for upsetting you. Please don’t be upset with me. I would want to know that you aren’t. You mean the world to me. I would do anything for you. I am sorry for just leaving you like this. But I did make my choice. I am saying goodbye for the last time.”
I couldn’t help but cry. My tears flowed heavily. I couldn’t control it. Everything didn’t make sense. I was too confused. I walked out of the bathroom and left. I walked home in the rain. I thought about everything. My mind was a jumbled mess.
I got home went upstairs and crumbled the note up. I threw it in the trash. I looked at my pale self in the mirror. Staring back at me looked like a hopeless and lifeless person. I looked at my wrist took in all the scars. I thought about my mother.
I thought about how much I hated her. I thought about Sammy. I loved that girl to death. No one was ever going to replace her! I thought about Mrs. Knight. She treated me better than my own mother. And at last I thought about Sebastian. I thought about his smile. His eyes. The way he touched me and kissed me. I thought about how he stood up for me. About how I was so calm and happy around him. It was hard for me to do that around others. But he was someone that came into my life and he could read me like a book. I thought about him all the time. And in that moment I realized that maybe I did love him. He came into my life and turned my heart back into the color red again. But now it is turning black again.
I walked into the bathroom. Shut the door and locked it. I walked over to the tub and turned the water on warm. I peeled off my soggy clothing. Stepped into the water and sat down. My black nail polish making me looks like a ghost. A single tear ran down my cheek as I thought about Sebastian.
I slid down. I took a deep breath and went under the water. I closed my eyes and everything went black. The way I wanted everything. I came back up out of the water. I pushed the hair out of my face and reached up for my blade.
It was the only way I could feel better. I dug the sharp, jagged side into my wrist. Blood coming out quickly. The blood started to mix with my bath water. I had finally decided to cut myself deep enough so I will finally be with Sammy and Sebastian. I was going to be in a world with no pain or sadness. My mother wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.
I sat back against the tub wall and watched as the bath water turned red. At last my eyes started to slowly close. I was about to leave this cruel world. My last words were “Never again will I hurt.”
My lifeless corpse was being carried to the graveyard. Family was surrounded by the hole that my coffin would be placed into and buried. My mom was there. Her face unreadable. Sebastian’s family was there. My father’s side of the family and some of my mom’s side were there. Kids from school were there. The preacher spoke of me so highly. Like I was an amazing person doing great things. But I was never a person to do great things.
Sitting under a tree Sebastian sat. Sammy was sitting next to him. Sammy looked over at me and waved. I ran over. It couldn’t be her! It just couldn’t!
She hugged me and said, “hey stranger took you long enough! I have been waiting forever for you to get here!!”
It was Sammy. My Sammy. My best friend. Sebastian came over and hugged me next.
“Hey beautiful. What brought you here?” He looked sad. Like maybe he didn’t want to see me.
I sighed and stepped into give him a kiss. He kissed me for a little and pulled away.
“Why did you do this to yourself? What the hell where you thinking?” He yelled.
“I’m sorry! But I didn’t want to be alone. You left me!”
“I know. But it wasn’t your time to go.” He kissed me once more and motioned Sammy over.
“He’s right Alex. Close your eyes and just take a deep breath. Ok?”
I looked at them with confusion.
“I love you Alexavia! We will meet again.”
Sammy spoke next. “And I love you too but just do as we say and you will be fine. I promise.”
I did as she said. I felt as though my worlds were shifting.
The next thing I know was hearing a beeping noise. My alarm clock was going off!
I was sweaty and confused. Was that all just a dream. I checked my wrist for an explanation. I had no fresh cut. It was gone. It was just a dream! A dream that felt so real.
As I lay there thinking my phone went off. I quickly grabbed it. It was an unknown number. I opened my message and it read, “I told you it wasn’t your time yet!”
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 08.02.2012
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