"Okay sweetie, I have to go now"
"Okay" i said preparing to hang up.
"I love you."
I muffled the gasp that came out of my lips.
"I know. Bye Jeff." I whispered, hanging up the phone as a wave of guilt hit me. No matter what I couldn't say those words,because they weren't true, and after all this crap i was pretty sure he didnt mean them either.
That moment was when i seriously considered the thought that i might hate him. Oh, there's one more thing i forgot to tell you. Jeff is my father.

My Birth

It all started right before I was born. When my mom told Jeff she was pregnant, he packed up his things and moved from our state, Louisiana, all the way to Alabama. Years passed up until i was five years old. thats when the actual trouble started.

The Move

I was five, and i was constantly asking my mom who my dad was, and where he was, and why wasnt he with us?
so my mom made a big decision. we moved to Alabama and started to live with hm. right off the bat it was horrible. i started going to a new school and i hated it. we had to take naps, unlike my old school. and anytime i did something the least bit wrong he tore my butt up, then made me sit in a chair for 7 straight days, other than eating and using the bathroom.
he loved to control me.
one memorable experience is that one night, i was full after eating half a hamburger, but he sat there and made me eat the whole thing. i had acid reflux, and late that night i threw up.
i was miserable there and wanted to go home.
i had my 6th birthday in alabama too. and shortly after,without telling Jeff, my mom and I packed up our stuff and left.
we had to stay with a friend of hers until we got our own place, but that didnt matter. we were home.

Present Day

After we left, we didn't hear from him for at least a couple years.
Then suddenly, he started calling,making promises, saying he was going to visit me.
I was estatic.
then he stopped calling, all together.
I felt so upset, i was deprezsed for weeks.
the next time he started calling again, i was niave enough to fall for it again.
Recently he started calling again, and this time I made myself not miss him.Not believe him.Not hang on to the empty promises.
So when he stopped calling again, i wasn't surprised.
I sighed and went back on with my life.i was still a little dissapointed. And i know, pretty soon he will be calling again.
this time.though i wont let him get to me.i wont believe what he says at all.i wont answer his calls. He doesnt deserve my time. The last time he stopped crying, was the true moment when I realised i hate him. I hate my own father. I dont know, it may be a sin to hate, but theres a good bit of people i hate, and he's number 2.
But here's the sad thing.
here's a diary entry i wrote one day.

My life is pretty good right now. I'm leader of a club, I'm popular, but there is still a lot of stuff missing from my life… for instance, a D-A-D. dad. I've been talking to him lately but it doesn’t change the fact that he's two states away. It makes me want to cry about how I know he'll never love me as a daddy loves their little girl. He loves my half-brother, Alex, more than me and I'll never ever be okay with it. Even though I try to tell myself that he doesn’t love Alex more just that he knows him better. But what I'm telling myself Is a big fat lie. I know he loves Alex more and even though I try to be okay with it I cant help but be angry with him. After the way he treated me the first time I met him I'm surprised I want to talk to him at all. But deep down In my heart I know why. I want him to be proud of me and for me to be daddy's little girl even though I know I’ll never be. But I cant help but wish that even being 11 years old I'll be able to beg my daddy for anything I want just like little girls do. But I'm not a normal little girl and I know it. well, im upset and im gunna go.

This has no date,but it was somewhere around last year.
but that is the absolute sad thing,is that all of that is true.
but i have one little glimmer of hope.

Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll find it in my heart to forgive him.

Author's Note

To everyone who wants to know, yes this is a true story, all of it. I nearly cried while finishing this book, but i would like to thank everyone for reading, it makes me feel closer to my readers to write true, sad stories about myself. and if you think this is bad,trust me ive been through way worse than this. but, if you are interested in knowing more about this,oor anything about me,message me.thanks for reading.


Tag der Veröffentlichung: 30.12.2011

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dedicated to all girls without fathers.

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