Chapter 1: The Dreamer

It all started because of Marc.


Marc is Marco Fernando; twenty-two years old, Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW), married and a dreamer.

The story of the dreamer began on the thirtieth day of December 1985, Monday, Manila International Airport, Departure Lounge, Philippines: “Calling all passengers bound for Dubai, you have twenty minutes left to board the plane, Thank you!” The announcement nailed in my ears with excitement, hope, and fear.


 It was in...

The year 1976 – 1980, Bacolod City, on the island of Negros Occidental, Philippines:


I met Ayah Isabel Gonzales in the college of Chemistry Department at San Jose College, Bacolod City, in the province of Negros Occidental. Bacolod City is the capital city, one of the islands of the Philippine archipelago struggling for development at that time, where students from different towns used to study their college degrees and find their destinies. Different people with different characters met and trade for their wares; a place for newcomers to discover what this place meant to their lives.


Ayah and I were on the same academic course, that each day, we had time to discover ourselves together. I have had taken this Chemistry course just pleasing my father. I was not interested in taking this course, in fact, I hated Chemistry subjects. It did not give me an interesting value with my whole being. It was natural for me to be there inside the classroom, only for the sake of going to school and finished my course. I was too young to comprehend things into proper perspectives. I fall in love with Ayah Isabel, which triggered my inner feelings and thoughts to continue studying. She was the one driving my motivational force to finish my course. Ayah propelled my existence for the life I was treading on and my future. She was a woman with a simple outlook in life, but with the courage to face the world with dignity. She was brave to confront things that had substance on her life. Ayah’s personality made me as a weakling in terms of finding a better life for myself and for her. A strength that I cannot find on my personality, almost, with our lives in Bacolod City, I relied upon her.


My ambitions in life and loving Ayah formed a doubt inside of me. In which, I had undecided feelings which way to move forward; dug deeper with my love for her or find my own course after graduation.


Financial incapability entangled my parents and ensuring to extend my college education faltered. I gathered enough courage to think about the solution that could give me a positive action with my present situation. Ayah helped me with every undertaking I made, even aiding with my day-to-day living. She lied to her parents about the whereabouts of the money she was always asking for her schooling. To augment with my insubstantial entity, we lived together under the same roof without the sanctity of marriage. Our parents did not have knowledge of what was going on with our lives in this stead. We continued schooling with this kind of set up. We wanted to be together always.


I strived hard to find a job to alleviate our situation and could help with my studies but in vain. Ayah Isabel can withstand the poverty, but I cannot. I wanted a life that was comfortable enough for me, my ambitions and love.


I used to sit in the public plaza when I am worn out in finding a job. One day, as I was sitting alone thinking of my dilapidated situation, looking in a far distance of the seashore at Bacolod Seawall, suddenly a guy sat beside me which made me think negatively about him. He smiled at me and introduced himself, ”Hi, my name is Edward,” extending his hand to me. I accepted his right hand but I was adamant with my actuation. I wryly smiled at him and answered, “Hello, I am Marco…. Marco Fernando….”


“I saw you sitting here in the public plaza when I passed by heading for my job these past few days. And, I think you need some help or, a friend maybe? I worked in a restaurant as a waiter, just across the main street,” as he pointed his finger westward feeling agitated. He looked at me squarely and said, “How are you? How about you? Are you studying? Working? Do you have a job?” His action was more of a brother to me.


And I answered, “No, I’ve been searching for two months now, but…” my words were not formed into a sentence but I looked and sized him up.


“Do you want to work in the restaurant?” Edward asked with a smile on his face. “There’s a vacancy right now,” as he moved towards me.


“I don’t know any job in the restaurant, but I’ll try…. I really need a job to support my studies. You know, Edward, I am studying in college right now… maybe I can ask the manager for the schedule of my work? Is that possible?” I asked him with constant confident that deep into my heart I needed a job very badly.


“Yes, I’ll recommend you. Come with me, I’ll introduce you to my manager.”


As we were heading to the restaurant, the sparkling light inside of me multiplied a billion times, hoping something beautiful will come along the way. Those crumpled thoughts that bothered me for some time, disappeared as quickly as the bubbles in the air. Never in my imagination had I felt so close to my feelings and thoughts. What I was hoping for, really on this moment for me to move upward even though I knew, how hard to push those negative things to be materialized.


Working in the restaurant with a salary to depend upon, built my ever changing confidence, that helped sustain the rigors of my daily endurance and continuing my college studies. I had done so much of my learning system, wherein I developed my personality to acquire freedom to do the things that I could learn somehow. The negative thoughts inside my head were blown into multiple rays of hope for my goals in life; adding some motivated aspects of my ambition triggered my inner sanctum to prolong the basic human emotions.


I resumed my schooling through the help of Ayah Isabel who supported me from A to Z. Even with my deepest soul, I knew too well that all of these were just stairs to heaven. The most important things that I could revive with my weaknesses were the ones destroying my dependent personality. But even though I experienced hardships on my existence, I was still aiming for whatever hopes inside of me. Battling through poverty was not my forte, and I didn’t have the inkling of eluding them. I had such an amazing way of defying myself with what I’ve learned to fake things that came into my life.


I began to discover things the hard way. I worked as a server in a restaurant near my boarding house. Some customers wanted to know me personally. Others befriended with me. At first, I thought that these people wanted to uplift my well-being and to extend some wonderful things that I wanted in life. I considered my situation and emotion to be cultivated by what I valued as a new adventure to me. They explored me high enough as mountain climbers reached the mountain tops. It was such a feeling of developing your inner self to the people who liked to dig deeper and deeper until you cannot fathom the deepest evil in you.


After my duty hours, I was with them, daily as what they wanted me to, as what they molded towards the new day; drinking spree, parties, and drugs. Nightlife seemed to be the breathing element of my soul. I discovered it, I wanted it, but deep inside my heart, I knew what this meant to be with them. Nevertheless, I continued schooling but my soul and energy cannot withstand the rigors of an everyday event. Even though how hard I tried to run away, still, I kept on coming back and wanting for more.


Earthly things captured me like a prisoner, like a virus eating my flesh, and released the ecstasy within me. Believing that I could extend the wondrous feelings that I discovered, explored and tasted; my discovery made me a fool until I found myself doing the craziness of humanity; money, drugs, and sex.


The more I valued my vices, the more I succumbed to its essence that I could not falter to taste it; every minute of it. The happiness that I felt gives the real meaning to what I wanted in my whole life. But, little by little, it destroyed my self-esteem and even my whole personality. It changes the core of my soul, my being, even my heart, resulting in my downfall. The decreasing energy within me continued negatively. The goals that I cherished most were lost over time. I found myself weak, sad and alone.


I cannot cope up with my life in the city, alone, and it’s Ayah Isabel who cared for me, came to the rescue.


Even my friend Edward Ramirez helped me without any boundaries. I released the very core of my existence to the people who loved me. Edward and Ayah were the two human beings that always lifted me up for whatever problems I was entangled with my vices.


Edward and Ayah nursed my soul to be back again. Knowing that I can revive my spirit and resumed the ambition I have had. They stayed for a while and encouraged me all the way.


“Best friend, are you alright now? I’m very happy with the changes…I mean, the changes in you. Glad to know that you can work again. I’ll tell our manager about your comeback... You know, he’s asking about you and I lied, knowing that I want you to work there again. Yes, my friend?” Edward asked me one day.


“Yes my friend, now I realized… how foolish I was…how weak,” I answered crying.


I started to concentrate on my studies for two consecutive years through which I gave real meaning to it. The vital things that matter most to me were the ones that triggered my motivation to grow. The development that I almost conquered was reeling to be mine; for I excelled for all my subjects, extra-curricular activities, and friends. It’s nonetheless a revival!


I joined the college publication to explore the possibilities of motivating my inner self to reveal what’s inside of me. A written form of expressing my thoughts and feelings; poetry, short stories and drama guild, healed it gradually. Most of my time, I spent with these activities, not knowing that I was changing the values of my life.


My life now was a reverse of what I experienced during my first year in the city.


The first free verse poem that I constructed was entitled: “Closer to Me.”


Your beauty captures my heart; your soul surrounds me wherever I am. Perhaps, you are Goddess of beauty? I feel you are endless.


I feast my vision to you, turn towards the light. Perhaps by chance but definite in direction.


I am drawn by the deepest awareness of you which probe my heart to think of you and feel your soul throughout my life.


I know so very little yet feel so much, Oh, it’s a great feeling to see your soul! Unable to gaze to your beauty, my soul provides to my heart, a vision…Unable to touch you.


Our soul’s touch which sends us to pleasure and our bodies shiver with ecstasy in the oneness of perfection!


I am amazed by you, as you are, you are not far…you are close...


And I held you so tenderly, closer each moment, closer to you!





Chapter 2: The Changes

The changes took its toll when I met someone who can turn the tide. I was on my fourth year in college when I met Danielle Gustilo in another university. She was beautiful; business- minded kind of person, classy type and came from a well-to-do family. My flamboyant character attracted her when we were together. She did not know that I was only baiting her for a refuge; investment and money. I courted her for three months. She was totally in love with me. I learned to love her the way she wanted it to be. I am a person who can play things with perfection if I wanted to. I was incorporating myself to her dreams. She knew my meager standing and offered to help me; with my college tuition fees, for my daily undertaking and even sex. I accepted her offer that I even asked for more. I tasted her beauty to the fullest.She gave me what I wanted for her, the satisfaction, the heaven…but, let me set the scene, just for your total information.


She gave me what I wanted for her, the satisfaction, the heaven…but, let me set the scene, just for your total information.


Imagine.... the night’s cool, brisk, quiet, and heavy with the fresh rain. A small breeze swayed through the bottom of the slightly open windows, bringing in the scent of the sweet fresh rain. It mingled scantily with the fragrance of fruity-sweet-apple emanating from the several candles strategically placed around the room that flickers slowly in the breeze. The pale blue curtains danced and tickled in the skimming breeze. The cool breeze touched over the thick blue carpet, mingling the scent of the beautiful rain with the fragrance already placed into the weaves. A candle sits nestled in one corner of the room on a black wrought iron glass top table, illuminating the pale blue behind it. A candle sits on the two windows across the room from each other, the flames dancing tightly in time and in tune with one another, but never going out. Two more candles sit at the center of two end tables snuggled close to either side of the bed. The faintest music of wind chimed that hang in the last window behind me can be heard over the sweet tinker and echo of the rain. Our king sized bed sits in the center of the room, draped in glossy red satin sheets, topped with a thick red feather blanket, with several plush feather pillows lining the cherry wood headboard. The light was so very dim, but even so, I can see everything clearly in the muted glow.


I can see Danielle sitting on the bed, head resting comfortably on the plush pillows. She’s wearing a red silk nightgown with her body curve drawn from inside. Her feet are crossed and propped up on the folded down blanket. Her arms are crossed over her soft breasts pulling tightly against the taut fabric.


I was standing naked in front of the bed looking at her.


I wore the crooked sexy smile that she had always found so dreamy on me and it always made her weak at the knees. I stretched my muscular body, arms raised over my head and her feet reaching towards me. My body relaxed again and scooted down a little, still looking at her.


Her eyes slowly slide down my body, then even more leisurely back up. Again, her gaze lingered on my muscular body.


I stepped up towards the high bed and put one leg up on the blanket and painstakingly slowly I raised myself up from the floor to stand before her on the bed. I slowly rocked side to side; grinding my hips down slowly towards the bed until my knees were touching the feather blanket, then leaned down forward on my hands until I was on all fours before her. I came forward a little, and with my one hand, I began to untie the little satin ribbon that was holding the top of her nightgown. I let my greedy eyes get even hungrier at the sight of her supple breasts.”Do you like what you see?” She said in a husky whisper.


Just the sight of licking my dry lips makes her know that I do.


The music slows down a little to another song, and now I know what I want to do. Somehow it was there inside me all along; I just didn’t know how to get it out.


That animal passion that I wanted to use when teasing her all night long was finally coming out in me.


With the beat of the music, I explored her body with ardent pleasure starting from her collarbone, gently nipping and biting her as I slowly began to kiss her body.


The music changes again and I can’t hold on any longer. I reached her head pulling close to me and kiss her while in kneeling position. I gently bite her lip as I kiss her and feel the passionate searing pain of her nails in my back. I draw in a sharp breath, not from the pain but exploring. She arched her back up into my hands, feeling her nails lingering at my lower back. I looked at her and she barely nods back to me, but it is enough for her to know I’ll finally let us into this dance.


Her arms are around my shoulders now as she feels my move more on top of her, feeling every curve of her body welding with mine. Our breaths get shallow and quickened, but neither of those things matters right now. All that matters in this one moment is Danielle and me. She began to close her eyes when I begin to enter her lovely heaven. I whisper to her to open her eyes and look into my eyes, and my first blow made her totally energized.


We rock back and forth in this sensual dance. I hugged her so tight and kissed her so hard. We collapsed together, our passions spent, and gave her silver ring as an engagement. She rested into my arms breathing slowly and contentedly.


We soon fall asleep in each other’s arms, knowing to myself that I captured her, like a prisoner in a cage!


We enjoyed every moment of our lives without any recourse for anybody, anywhere, anything that could stop from becoming lovers. We had done so many nights together, exploring our most precious gift from heaven. The remnants of our past didn’t hinder an inch for which Danielle played her part so well. And, even my soul didn’t bother to collide with my greedy ambition from wanting it.


Both of us developed something beautiful within our hearts, according to the dictate of our minds. For each of us, there’s some kind of understanding which we wouldn’t have to be spoken, only our actions were the prime movers of our future.


We were together all the time and found ourselves enjoying at the bar of the hotel. She held my hands, squeezed it tightly on the table and said, “Marc, I like this moment so much, with you, having dinner in the skylight. It reminds me, when I first saw you, for the first time I felt very different from myself. I knew too well, deep inside my heart that it’s you.”


I looked at her face releasing my hands while solemnly sipping my liquor, then, put it slowly on the table. I pretend to be surprised by what she said; suddenly I held Danielle’s soft hands at once and kissed, “I love you dear so much, you’re so beautiful.”


I edged a little toward Danielle’s seat and whisper, “Can I dance with you sweet?”


Danielle’s looked at me with love in her eyes. She loved the way I treated her as a woman, “Yes my love, yes I am yours.”


We clutched each other hands, kissed and danced to the tune of the sweet music. I held her tightly to my body without much ado, moved our bodies in unison with feelings of contentment.


“Love, your parents know about this matter? I mean between the two of us?” I whispered to her ear, while I clasped her body to mine.


“Yes my love, they approved everything I wanted in my own life. Actually, they’re very understanding; opened my own bank accounts, provide my own condominium, and…well, I mean everything, okay?”


I nodded slowly and started to kiss her again, but now on her lips, for a few minutes, which she’s responding positively. She’s happy all throughout the night with me. I was glad that my actions magnetized her heart and mind. So, I played along because she’s my investment for sure!


Around three in the morning, we left the Skylight Bar and proceeded to my new fully furnished apartment which Danielle gave to me last week. I was happy with my clandestine motives that resulted positively. I was doing more than what I could muster to make her loved me totally. I knew my worth, and I will do it correctly this time. Unlike in the past, I totally damaged myself for my ambitions without applying a strategy; a continuous way of using my brain for the good of my goals in life. Now, I need another one, a luxury car!


I said, “Good night my love,” while kissing her. She left thinking that everything’s true, not a scene in the movie. For me, it’s just a drama of my life, also a scene, in my dream.


I fingered my apartment keys in my bag; open the steel gate, the front door and put on the light. I spotted Ayah sleeping on a sofa. I hurriedly woke her up and kissed her. I noticed the wetness of her face and eyes, “What happened to you? Why are you crying? Something’s wrong?” I asked.


“Nothing’s wrong Marc,” Ayah said trying to hide her feelings.


“Okay, wipe your face and tell me why you are here,” I pretended that I was not alarmed.


“I observed that your grade’s totally going down because you’re not attending classes these past few days. How’s your, I mean Danielle?” She said while looking through my eyes.


“Ayah, we agreed not to talk about this matter. All you have to do is to trust me with this. I know what I am doing. Okay, starting tomorrow I’ll attend my classes. Are you alright?”


“Yes, love…I’m okay. Around six in the morning, I will be back in my boarding house because my cousin visited me yesterday. My co-boarders were watching about my activities. I hated them for that… and I thought that this is the best time that I could spend a night with you. Marc, I love you as always, I want your dream to be fulfilled…without any problems on your side.”


What I heard from Ayah triggered my emotions to respond, to caress her, kissed her with passion. Still kissing her, I carried her in my arms going to the bathroom, opened the door, switched the faucet and continue exploring her body. The water continued to cool our bodies. I undressed her completely lying on the bathroom floor. I stood up, took off my shirt and pants...everything. I closed the shower’s faucet. She’s looking at me while I was doing this and glanced at her.


The night was washed away by my passion for exploring her. I kissed her coming from my heart, ”Happy love?” I asked her. She looked at me, nodded and said while still holding my face, “Very...very much... Marco."


After a few minutes, I told Ayah Isabel to get dressed. It’s nearly six in the morning, time for her to go home. I asked her to go with her outside the apartment but she refused. “Keep the extra keys of my apartment and don’t bother yourself, that we’re separated right now. I am only doing what I think is right for me and for you. I know your situation, but, as of now, do not divulge this to anybody, even Edward. And please, don’t give much attention to my relationship with Danielle,” I said.


“Yes Marc, I know that and I promise to you my love, you’re the only one in my heart.”


Ayah left me; took a taxi cab going to her boarding house. As she was leaving, I looked at her walking outside. I walked towards my bed and slept.



At the college hallway, lots of students were clamoring about the tuition fee increased by the school administration. Almost everyone I saw got disgusted of what was happening to this private school. I heard them giving their own version and ways on how to make a move against the management. Our school was a private one, ran by Catholic Missionaries. The teaching’s superb and with quality, as some alumni told the newcomers. It didn’t bother me at all because of the fact, that I had no right to asked and know what it was like, to be the brightest student in our department. I hated Chemistry, but since I started taking up Chemistry, it was fine for me, that’s it. For extracurricular activities, I extended my extra effort to be with my colleagues. My academic grades suffered a lot and I had to be with the school’s system for the development of my studies.


Ayah Isabel helped me with my assignments, projects and other school’s requirements. She knew my situation with Danielle, and really bothered about it. I couldn’t manage my time as a student, got bored easily and tired. Even though how much I tried to concentrate on my studies, I’ve got hooked with my school activities and my relationships.


One day, Ayah sent a note to me that we had to meet at the canteen for some important matter. I readily went to her at the canteen, but I wondered what will be this meeting all about. When I arrived, I saw her sitting alone, I grabbed a chair and looked at her with a serious face.


“Marc, how are you?” Ayah started to talk first studying my face.


“I’m fine, thank you. What this important thing we have to discuss?” I asked her in a whisper tone.


“Marc, last night, I think it over a hundred times about our situation; you, Danielle and me. I’m afraid that it gives you some bad karma in the future. You know, instead of aiming something good and big, it’ll turn too bad as what you expected?” I hesitated for awhile and said angrily, “Don’t bother about it, okay? Trust me, don’t bother with this matter!”


Even she knew about my agitation, she’s determined to tell me something, “Marc, last night, Edward called me about your rendezvous with Danielle. He said that it’s not proper to lie about your situation with me. And, he’s not approved of what you’re doing with Danielle and me. Please, Marc, it’s only a friendly advice.”


Okay, it’s okay. What more…what he said to you?” I asked her in a higher tone. “He said to try to visit him at the Riviera Café & Restaurant.”


I lowered my voice, “Okay Ayah, thank you. How’s your life in the boarding house? How’s your family?”


“In my boarding house... it’s quite problematic but I can manage. And my family...they’re fine.”


“Take care always Ayah.” I started to leave when I remembered something inside my pocket, “By the way, take these drugs and read the prescription first before taking the pill, I think you knew this....” Ayah looked at me squarely, smile and said, “Okay love, bye!”


The next day I visited Edward at the restaurant where he’s working. He excused himself from his duty asking his Manager to have a day off instead. We got a taxi cab going to One Springfield Complex, a beautiful night spot outside the city. We played bowling for about an hour, seated ourselves to a restaurant in the open place. I ordered a case of beer, sliced cucumber and a bowl of “kinilaw,” – an Ilonggo appetizer; marinated raw fish with vinegar, and lots of spices. I consumed a bottle of beer, get another and started the conversation with Edward.


“Ayah told me about you, about what you said to her…” I stopped suddenly.


“Marc, we’ve known each other for a long time now. I knew that you’re good and kindhearted man. I can understand your situation from the very start we met. I wanted you to open your mind to these two women. You’re switching them like your polo shirts! Be reasonable for their feelings as women, how can you handle both of them in the future?”


“Edward, you know, I have to keep living, and these two women helped me more than I could imagine. Moreover, I am sure you knew it already why I am keeping them. Read my lips buddy, I-need-their-help-to-finish-my-college-education! Got it, buddy?” I answered back angrily.


“But, you know Marco, it’s a sin to do all that stuff! Eventually, bad karma will plague on you. Remember that.”


“Buddy, shut up, okay! Who told you that?” And I stood up angrily. “Just some people….,” he answered in a low voice.


“Forget them! They’re nothing! They’re only watching other people’s back! I left Edward and went home alone.


I resumed my daily survival as if I was acting in a stage, where I was the protagonist, who managed to subdue the antagonist, anytime, anywhere, and sometimes even outside the script, I’ll do it for the sake of my baleful whims.


I acted differently when I was with Danielle, it gave me a high esteem more than when I was with Ayah. More than what I wanted to change my lifestyle, I wanted too, to be generous with other people in need. I kept my secret to Danielle for a year which gave financial freedom on my part. The last wished that I asked for her, a sports car. Great isn’t it?


I used my new status and influence to finish my course. I had the money to buy what I wanted to buy, and earthly things that I needed most. My bank accounts doubled every week through the courtesy of Danielle. She was a year to go before her graduation from Bachelor of Science in Commerce, major in Management.


Ayah lived remotely from my view and didn’t bother to visit me in my apartment. Even in school, she hid from my view. Edward, on the other hand, continued to work in a restaurant without bothering me at all. With my new status, I managed to follow them secretly, including Danielle. I hired an investigator for the three of them. To know them secretly, and to easily identify what my recourse when the problem arises. One thing I discovered about Danielle; she had a big house in Bacolod City, her parents got a vast wealth and estate from their forefather. They’re public figures in their hometown that made Danielle the sole and legal heiress of their wealth.


But fate’s so unkind for me, Danielle found out about Ayah Isabel and the war began between the three of us. I tried my best to control the situation, but Danielle was very aggressive to confront things with her own way. A possessive woman with nothing can stop whatever she liked. Danielle came inside our school and met me. She wanted to talk with Ayah Isabel about the love triangle.


“Danielle, please listen, don’t make a scene. This is a Catholic school and this thing’s against their code of ethics. Please be cool, okay,” I pleaded with her.


“I don’t’ care! I want to talk to Ayah Isabel, right now!” She answered while walking in the hallway.


“Everybody is watching you….” I said to her while pulling her right hand. She halted, faced me and asked, “Who is everybody?”


“Danielle, cool, please listen to me,” I asked her in a low voice.


“Okay, I’ll listen, go on Marco?”


“Okay, how about, tomorrow, lunch time, in Golden Dragon Restaurant? Ayah will come along with me. I promise. It’s okay for you?”


“Good Marco Fernando, great, see you there tomorrow, lunch time.” Danielle left me in the school hallway with a heavy heart, and my hope’s falling apart.


The darkness falls and seemed lonely when I met Ayah at the Riviera Café & Restaurant. When I entered the place, I saw her sitting at the table alone, while Edward’s busy serving for another customer. The restaurant ambiance really awesome compared to other food establishments along Lacson Street in Bacolod City. It catered to a nearby hospital, schools, banks and other business institutions. A place to unwind after a hard day’s work, some people believed. But for me; it’s a place where my best friend toiled, a place where I started to know the rigors of city life and a place where I found Ayah Isabel Gonzales.


I seated myself beside Ayah and greeted


Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.12.2018
ISBN: 978-3-7438-9179-1

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Lovingly dedicated to my family.

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