I slammed the door behind me, luckily not of its hinges and ran pasted the sink. My hands gripped to the sides of the bowl, prepared for the uprising sensation to aloud me to feel even worst about myself more than I already did. She would hate to see me in this mess, she would hate the whole thought of it. But we had to stay strong for her, all for her.
I could see my reflection at the bottom of the bowl, mascara everywhere and the bruise I treasured on the left hand side of my face. Bleach blonde. Seemed a fun idea back the before all this. Michele was always telling me to live it up and let go, but I never could. Then one sleepover they livened me up: Clare, Tabatha, Hailey and Michele and gave a new look. A perfect china doll in the hand held mirror gazed back at me. The transformation was complete and from the silver foil and few minutes wash lay beside me a golden brown. No one would take the mike anymore. The red head I once knew was out the door and the new Steph was going to be more sparkling than ever.
“Wow Steph, you actually look pretty now.” Clare started
“Yeah, now you’re not a ginger ninja.” Giggles erupted from Hailey’s comment.
“Shove off you lot, Steph is a new girl now, she’s one of us now,” Michele’s hands placed themselves on my shoulders. Her tone was one she only ever used to talk to with the other girls but now I could feel the change. I could fit in now. Some may fill their boots with envy at my position. No longer would I be looked down at. I would look down on them. “Aren’t you Steph?”
My reply was nothing but a big fat “Yes”. That was my first betrayal to her. When she saw my hair, my face, my clothes, she grabbed my wrist so tight that I was afraid it would burst blood. Her scarlet eyes kill you with one glance and I was chucked into the corner, disowned. Who would want a child like me now? That is what she would think of me then onwards, that. I was twelve.
Tears fell into the water and they ran down like rivers, soothing my cheek. The door opened and a woman, a business woman by the looks of it, her phone pressed into her ear, came in to my cubical. I startled her and she left to the next toilet and gave me one last present before her leaving, her look of disapproval. I could have been a prostitute in her eyes or maybe a woman from a hen-do.
“What!” I shouted at her as she left. She ignored me like all the rest did in my past. They judge me for what I wear, they have no clue of my situation, none what so ever.
Suddenly the urge came over me and there was nothing I could do. I barley aimed for the bowl and half went in, the other half ran down the pearlier side, well not so pearly anymore.
“Come on Steph, just dance with him.” The lights that night shone into my face and the music pumped all the way through and down my body. Such a thrill of excitement rushed through my body and I was on top of the world. We barely made it into that club that night, it was lucky the bounces didn’t see us sneck in or we would have been kicked out for sure.
Three weeks ago this happened and I can still remember it now. Clare pushed me towards him and from then the night were mine and his. Our feet wouldn’t stop moving to the rhythm, his eyes were nothing that I had never seen before and as twelve grow closer and drunk more, his arms locked around my waste. His chest became my pillow and the last things I saw were my sisters swimming towards me, faces of thunder.
The morning came and I woke in a bed, damp and unfamiliar. His corps lay helpless beside me, snoring to his hearts contempt. I helped myself into his fridge and made myself a tomato and cheese sandwich. I was never sick or hung over after drinking, ever, actually always bursting with life and energy.
I left my number on the side, just in case. Hailey told me I should give them my number. I left the flat, bare footed, and made my way home, Home? I realised then and there that home was going to be a bit of a battle and so it was. That was my last betrayal to her.
I walked to turning and twisting pavements. They clawed at my toes and heels. Then they penetrated with a shard of glass. It took two footsteps for it to fall out. Pain didn’t faze me; I’d been through enough of that in my life. The door opened to me and the scarlet eyes perked into my skull. Yet they were not of my mothers, of my sister’s. Rose.
“Managed to make your way back then? Where did you stay? Was it Clare’s? Mum has been tearing her hair out over you.” Rose always found some way of pointing stuff at me. She had hit a gold mine with this, just another way of dobbin me in as usual.
Sarah, Rose’s twin stood at the top of the stair, too ashamed to grate me face to face. They were a pair the twins. They always did everything together.
I stumbled into the living room, my skirt above knee length, and mother sat in the corner, staring out the window. I wasn’t hers, I was never hers. She never treated me like I was anything of hers, just something she could use and hurt at needs be.
She came to my level, not even a glance in my direction. Her hand hit me at a hundred miles an hour to my left cheek. Only then could she look at me. So much agony but losing my posture could mean an even worse a punishment. “If you ever betray my trust again Stephanie, I will not be reasonable for my actions. Do I make myself clear to you?”
The only words I could say were “Yes.”
Weeks went by and no daylight was seen through my window. I asked Clare to pick me up something from the shop. I was feeling really bad and I had to know whether my fears were a reality. The stick marked positive.
“Oh my god, Steph, what are you going to do.” For once Clare actually seemed worried for me. She never like me joying the group and now we were fifteen she had finally found a way of welcoming me into her friendship.
I was going to have a baby and I was going to have the baby. That’s all I ever wanted in life, to bring up a life that would never have to face the world I was living in. And to my luck, this world was slowly drawing to a close, although in the end I would want to keep it.
My step mum was…ill. She had, in the same week I found out I had a life inside me, that her life was exiting her. Terminal cancer the doctors said. No way of a cure. I didn’t think what to feel.
I entered the ward; the serenity of it was unnerving. Everyone in the beds could have been dead if it weren’t for the beeping of their machines. She lay in the bad next to the window that opened out the night air and the crescent moon. Rosie was sat in the chair beside her. There was only one chair. Not enough room for me here. But then a voice arose from the bed.
“Rosie, could you give me and Steph a few minutes.” Her body was connected to wires upon wires. Tubes connected to her mask, to help her breath and the pulse of the machine was continuous. Her skin was pale. Her face had grown limp. And the hair she had pulled out over me was all gone. The patient’s gown was too large for her weakening body. I couldn’t help but shed a tear; A women with such power over me resulting to this.
Rosie left and passed a grimace in my direction. I sat in the empty chair and placed the flowers I got for her in the vase that had already been filled with Rose’s roses. White. We stayed there in silence for a while. Both of us didn’t know what to say to each other. Most of our conversations were arguments. I looked down to my hands and slowly noticed a new hand which took hold of mine.
This was no longer the usual hold she had, this was gentle; Soft and harmless. She spoke to me and I looked into her restful eyes. “What have I done to you?” Her hand moved to my cheek and rubbed it. Her voice could just touch to about a whisper as that it all she could manage through the mask. “I wish I could have been your mum. I should have been your mum. I have let someone so beautiful inside and out turn into a girl that has learnt to fend for herself. You should have been mine. But you’re still a remarkable girl. Don’t let your, so called friends, change that of you. Your mother and father would have been proud of you, shame they wound be of me. I’ll send them your love.”
Then after all that, her hand fell and the machine fell silent. There was no rush of medical staff or doctors; there was nothing they could do. Rose came back in as I left and I hear her scream as my pace began to rise and streams began to form. I slammed the door behind me, luckily not of its hinges and ran pasted the sink.
I loved her. The monster she may have been but the angel was inside. She was my mum, forever after, gone.
I left the building and received a phone call from the man I met three weeks ago. He told me that I had left my shoes over his place and should come over and pick them up. Not much of the charmer, I could see him clear as glass. Strangely he hung up when I told him about the baby.
I walked the street all the way through the night, dreaming of future me and my child would have. This baby would the best thing to happen to me. A new start for both of us.


Tag der Veröffentlichung: 25.04.2011

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