It was the beginning of sixth grade, That’s when I saw her standing there. Let me just say I wasn’t looking to date anyone that school year… Or even make friends for that matter. But as I got farther and farther into the school year, I started making friend after friend after friend. That’s when I decided to just let the school year lead me through.
I started to sit with a certain group of people every day at lunch… although she wasn’t in that group. I never had the courage to even look her way let alone talk to her or at least attempt too. I never knew what it was about her or why I couldn’t talk to her. So I just kept to myself and bottled up my feelings for her. Each day she would sit with her own group of friends and I would try not to look over there… It never worked. I would always for some reason not be able to take my eyes off of that table. It drove me insane! I never knew why I couldn’t stop looking over there. But I just let my mind and body do what they pleased its not like I could control what my mind thought about… No one can.
Weeks and weeks pasted by I still hadn’t even tried to talk to her, I was to scared. There was just something about her. Was it her beauty? Was it her hair? The clothes she wore? I had no clue. No one had ever done this to me. My mind didn’t know what to think, and neither did I.
It was around the middle of last year. I and the people I sat with at lunch started to fight… next thing I knew me and them were far from being friends. We were… enemies anymore. That’s when Alexus came into the picture. She saw that I had no one to sit with at lunch and asked me if I wanted to sit with her and her friends. Little did I know… the girl that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of sat with Alexus everyday at lunch.
I didn’t know what to say do or think. I spoke without thinking and said “Yeah sure”
When lunch time came I was completely terrified. I didn’t know what I would say or do. I was so terrified I couldn’t even think straight. Standing in line at lunch seemed to have taken forever. When I got my lunch I looked for the table… when I spotted it I was terrified beyond this world. It took me a little while to get the courage up to go over there. When I got to the table Alexus said “Hey girl” and introduced me to the whole group. First was Mathew, then Armando… then it was her. I was so terrified. I didn’t say anything except hi the whole lunch.
After a couple lunch periods I started to talk more often and start conversations. But for some reason… When ever she was talking I got this feeling inside of me. I didn’t know what it was or how to make it go away. Truth is it wouldn’t go away no matter what I did.
She and I started to talk as the weeks flew by. I found myself stuttering a lot. But for some weird reason I only stuttered when I was talking to her. It was like she had me under a spell. But what spell? I didn’t know. All I knew is I would sweat and stutter when I talked to her. I didn’t get it at all! It was the middle of winter and I was sweating while talking to her! By this time I swore that she had me under some type of spell. But I still didn’t know what type of spell this girl had me under… and the fact that it was only her that made me act this way.
After sitting with them all for about 2 months I was talking much more. But still stuttered and sweated when I was talking to her… Or even just heard her talk. By this time I thought I was completely insane. I didn’t trust myself around her. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why I acted this way around her… or why I stuttered, sweated. I couldn’t even figure out why my head was in a cluster! My own mind and I couldn’t figure it out!
11:45 rolled around and that means lunch time. I was still very confused and nervous around her and with the whole situation itself. When I got my lunch I slowly walked up to the table nervous and shaky as could be like always. Everyone says hey and I say hey back and the conversations begin. Same as always I started to sweat and stare at her. Some days she would ask what I’m staring at and I just froze. I didn’t know what to say I just sat there stunned, nervous and scared. I asked my self over and over what should you say. I never got an answer. My mind was in such a cluster. I couldn’t answer her… so I just got up and threw my tray away. That went on for weeks and weeks.
That night I went home and lay on my bed and thought about everything she causes me to go through. At first I had no clue what it could be about her that had gotten me this way. I had no clue still… then it hit me right square in the face……… I had fallen in love with her.
The next day I kept trying to understand how I could have fallen in love with a complete stranger to me. It’s possible though I told myself. But then I thought…… why her? I didn’t know. But what ever the reason was didn’t matter. I liked the feeling…… I no longer cared that I basically suffered around her. It was a good type of suffering. I liked it…… I don’t know why but I really liked it.
There was just one problem though I didn’t know if she was straight or bisexual. When I realized that I just felt like crying. I could feel my eyes start to tear up. And this wasn’t a happy cry either. I told myself that I would have to find out that information some how. But how? I realized then that as time went by we would get closer and closer.
Sure enough I was right by almost the end of the year we were best friends. We were like a monkey and a banana. We were like un-spreadable.
Time went by week after week. It was after lunch one say when a sudden urge came over me to go over to Hannah’s desk. I wasn’t about to fight myself this time. When I went over there she was in the middle of talking to someone on yahoo. I asked her who she was talking to and that’s when it happened. She said “I’m talking to my GF.”
I asked her “Your bi?”
She said “Yes but shhhhh I don’t want everyone knowing yet”
So I didn’t say anything. Inside I was jumping up and down with excitement. I found out that she was like me Bi. I was speechless. In a good way of course… but wow was I happy.
Days and days past… I still had no clue how to tell her I liked her way more then a friend. I didn’t even know if I should tell her or if it was better of being a secret. I thought to myself of what could happen if I told her. There were of course good and bad results as there are in most situations… but this situation was a BIG deal for me. I didn’t just want to open my mouth and ruin everything… but at the same time I wanted to tell her so very bad. But she already had a GF and she seemed happy with her at the moment being… so I just kept my mouth shut.
A couple of weeks had gone by sense I found out about Hannah being Bi. My emotions for her kept building up in me, I felt like I was going to explode! But I kept telling myself to calm down and take a deep breathe sometimes it worked but most of the time I wanted to punch me in the face! It was just one of those things that we hard for me to hold back! Especially from my best friend… and it was really hard this time because it was the feelings I had for her. What was I going to do? At first I had no clue, but then I remembered that I could just write down what I was feeling for her and not have to worry about exploding or telling her.
Sometimes I feared that she would find out on her own about the way I feel for her… I would always wonder what would happen if she did. The thought of it just bottled my mind. What would I do if she found out? I had no clue. I just wished and wished that the worry would go away. I wanted to tell her, trust me I did… but I wanted to wait until she was A. single and B. it was the right time. I had a feeling it would be a long wait. I mean only because she… she’s a beautiful, down to earth, caring, loving girl that ANYONE would be stupid to treat her wrong, or leave her.
I asked myself everyday how someone can be so perfect. I never got an answer… that’s okay though I didn’t really want one; I wanted to find out on my own.
I still wondered how she and only she did this to me. Wow I thought I was going insane for this girl. This one girl. And only she made me this way! Was it true love? I thought so. Wow how much I wanted her to be mine. And I just hoped someday she would be<3.
We kept getting closer and closer as the end of the year kept creeping closer and closer. Her and her GF broke up… and I felt horrible but at the same time excited. More horrible then excited though. I hated seeing her sad. It felt like I was getting stabbed over and over when she was sad or crying. Heck I still get that way when she’s sad or crying. I didn’t know what I could do to help so I just told her I was sorry because I truly was and I worked up my nerves and gave her a hug. Wow when I gave her that hug I started to sweat and get butterflies and just jumping inside. Man I was happy. But like I said the pain of her to the happiness and washed it away. Because when some one I love this much hurts I hurt too. It was almost like a spell. But I knew it wasn’t I mean really a spell? No.
It was getting closer and closer to the end of the year and she was getting better and better. After a few weeks of the break up she was perfectly fine, happy actually. I was surprised myself at how fast she had healed. But then I gathered the real info. She told me that the old relationship with her now to be ex GF wasn’t a very good one at all. She said that the relationship was mostly fighting and over stupid little things too. I felt so bad for her at that point… because I had been in that kind of a relationship before and it was a hard one too.
Now I realized yes she’s going to be okay and yes she’s going to move on and find someone better. But then again I knew after a relationship like that……… it will take time to heal. But with her… it was different. She was mostly pissed off at her instead of sad. I was glad to know she wasn’t sad, and I was glad to know that she would be able to move on.
Okay so I admitted to myself by this point that there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I was in love with her. So I decided to act on how I felt.
Now I don’t exactly remember how I told her I liked her more then a friend, and yes even though that was like the most important part in my life I don’t remember it I know sad right? Well just saying now the reason I don’t remember is probably because of how scared and nervous I was. Its not because I don’t want to remember it because believe me If I could remember It I would love too. But sense I cant I think I’m just going to tell you how things turned out between her and me……………
I some how found the courage to tell her how I felt and let me tell you it wasn’t easy. But somehow I found the courage to…… I was surprised at what she told me after she knew how I felt about her…
It turns out she liked me that way too, and well long story short we started going out. But then like most of my relationships it went off and on and off and on you know like a roller costar. But you know what? It had a completely different ending.
Me and her ended up being together. Actually I’m talking about right now. She and I are together… and I’m not letting her go. She makes me soooooooo happy and I try to make her happy and give her the whole world, so far the world thing isn’t really working (I’m tight on money)…… But I think I’m doing a good job on making her happy…… And you know what I couldn’t be happier.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.04.2012
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