What does a story make a story?
Well, imagine a white space; fill it with an undulating, wide landscape, covered with the green of grass, trees, tall enough to touch the sky and the colors of a thousand’s flowers bloom. So, now we have a scenery. As pretty as it seems, that’s not what you need to tell a story. For telling stories, you need one thing, indeed. No story can be told without this very special something, no sentence could ever be formed without them. We need a kind of special thing, which enables a story to be told, this special something, or special everything, however you want to call it, gives us the capability of creating stories and this is, what gives me the chance to tell mine. On the one hand, it gives us the power to spread joy, love and hope, but on the other hand, they are capable of giving us the ability to hurt, destroy or even kill. They are always with us, like she was with me, without them, we couldn’t express so many things. We all use them, but we all underestimate them. Words. This is what’s needed to tell a story and this is, what my story is about. Words. My famous last words, to be more precise. Words cause those memories; words make it possible to share those beautiful remains with you. Not more but three words where the reason she got me caught into her jaws…
I am …waves. Her red lips formed the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen, those eyes, glowing in the dawn like a million stars and her skin, bone white and brighter than the moon above. The tide rolled along the silver sand, the wind made her hair look like black waves and my heart was washed away to the depth of the ice cold sea. Brighter than heaven’s blue and sun’s shine. This smile. Deeper than the boundless depth of the ocean and darker than the night sky. Those eyes. Red like the blood of a million bleeding hearts. Those Lips. They formed the words I’ll never forget. This was the first time I ever saw her and damned, it felt as like my world would stand still forever. That is her. The woman I love. Dancing around on the beach at night, brighter than the silver moon, skipping through the tide’s waves like an angel. There she was, her ice cold hands ripped my flesh apart, tore me out the empty lump of coldness I called heart and melted it to shiny silver dust.
I stood there, staring at her bloody red lips, sparkling eyes and this smile, melting my heart away , holding it in those bonehands whispering “It is mine”. Henceforth she held my heart in her white hands, carrying it with her, wherever we went. And hell, we went a million miles together. But summer passed by so fast, fall made the trees turn red, the sea got cold and so we went away. Side by side, together.
Forever, I wished. We started an endless journey; none of us thought that we would ever stop travelling. I didn’t care, as long as she was with me, I would have visited every place in the world. I followed her everywhere. That was the point.
My world was not the same than the one she was living in. Her world was shiny, wide, lovely and full of places worth to be seen. My world was black, empty, dark and scary. But she was the shimmer which lighted up my black eyes, the shine which brought light to the senseless dark of my meaningless live. She gave my body a kind of deeper sense, former it was just a tragic waste of bones and skin, not even worth to be called human. She filled every breath I took with meaning and gave my empty eyes a reason to see the brighter colored side of live. She was the one, who made my life worth living. She was the woman, who taught me loving.
You see, it took her just three words to catch my loving heart. Exactly even less than that, a smile, a look, name. This is like faith plays, right? Well, at least I believed that it would be this way, but honestly, I just hoped that it would be. Love is immortal, that’s what they say and this was what we were believing. So the rain came, and rain means change. If it rains in spring, it becomes summer, if it rains in summer, it becomes fall. Rain is heaven’s tears. It was true, with every drop of rain, a teardrop was falling from her eyes, rolling down her soft cheek, just to remain on her red lips for a while, before dropping down to earth. As beautiful it looked, as painful it was to see. There was nothing in the world I hated more than seeing her cry. Moreover because I was incapable of helping her. The only thing I could do, was staying there and watching her cry. I never understood why she was crying, even if she told me that everyone cries sometimes. I never did by time she was here.
But oh, faith’s cruelty wanted it to be happening this way and the day came. The day I was so afraid of coming, that I never dared to imagine, that it would be time. Well, I was young and loving, and love makes blind, they say. Maybe they are right by saying this, maybe they’re wrong. Fact is, that all our time is limited, she was no exception. Long time before this cruel day three other words escaped out of her lips. However, it would be presumptuous to claim that we’ve never quarreled, but actually, we haven’t. Wait…that means, SHE never did. But I…
It was me, the one who seemed to be haunted by misfortune, who got caught by the green eyed monster of jealousy, mistrust and vindictiveness. She, the one who had always tried to be peaceful and to calm down my riot soul became victim of love’s darker sides.
So far, she looked at me, tears dropping from her eyes again, rolling down her cheeks, and forming the words “I am sorry” with her red lips. I am sorry. She always apologized for my sins, cleaning up the mass I made and looking up so high to me, the one, the demon who sat on his throne, which consisted of a pile of corpses, as symbols for each mistake I made. And I made a lot of mistakes, trust me. While she was here, she took every pain away from me, she kept me save, she was the angel who saved me from my worst enemy. Myself. She kept me far from feelings like pain, anger or sorrow. Whenever I looked into these eyes, I forgot everything. I fled into their depth, I got caught into their infiniteness. Once lost, never found. I was the happiest man alive, I had no money, no job and no house. Home is where the heart is, and my heart laid in her hands. I didn’t want any of these goods, I didn’t care about money or such senseless stuff… I had her, that’s all I ever wanted. That’s all I’ve ever had.
I remember, once, we were far away, at a place full of trees and hills. The wind stroke over the long grass, making it look like a green ocean, the sun shun on her white face and made her eyes shine like blue diamonds. I can still feel the gentle touch of her lips kissing mine. Still I can feel her body’s heat, her heartbeat next to mine. And I still can hear her voice as she told me three more words, which were the most beautiful I’ve ever heard. I love you.
Three words. Those words should have made me happy, but honestly, they didn’t. Though this was what I wanted, I realized that I just wanted to believe that I was right. You can make someone else believe, that you love someone, but you can’t make yourself believe this. There’s this little voice inside you which tells you that you’re a liar. I never heard that voice. We danced, swirling through the flower’s bloom, laughing, kissing, loving, living. The wind danced with us, over the fields and hills, he carried her laughter away, her enchanting voice saying I love you.
Now I open my eyes, and I she’s not here. I’m standing here alone, at the place, she loved most, the hills. “They’re gates to heaven!”, she said. Well, by time she doesn’t say a word. She is just laying there, right beyond my feet. All I can do is listening to the sound of silence. No word will ever cross her lips again. The red disappeared and turned white, her skin got grey and her eyes lost as well their depth as their shine and color. They lost everything. And I lost her.
So the days faded and the nights grew on the dark sky above my head, which lost every meaning to me since that day. My world fell apart, by time she went away, I am walking barefoot on the sharp pieces of my broken world. I’ll never forget the day she left, ‘cause that day I fell apart, like the leaves, changing color and falling down to earth, where we get eaten by maggots, who’re crawling through our guts, looking for good, rotten meat to eat. We, our living body, our beauty, just laying there, down, oh so deep down beyond the surface, gone out of the upper world, left down here, left for death and decay. Now my breaths are empty like her dead eyes deep down, covered with tons of cold soil. Dead, closed forever. They are still there, gazing at me in my sleepless nights, following me into my dreams to turn them into nightmares. Staring at me, so deep, so blue, so sad. Asking me why. Saying “I love you”. Rubbish. Eyes cant’s speak, right? Wrong, they can. They don’t even need words, they just need to look at you. She’s gone, the woman I loved had gone. “Liar!”, there we go, the voice appeared in my head, telling me the truth. Well, so I might have to tell you the truth too.
I’ m still struggling with these kinds of feelings, maybe you know them, they call ‘em fault, doubts and sadness. Yeah, I’m sad that she’s gone, because it’s my fault and so I doubt about my live. You know the three words which made me so happy, so long time ago? These words have been the words which make me so sad now, because they were the last words she said and also the words which made me do what I did.
I was yelling at her again, my corpse pile grew again, day by day they got more and more. Body over body, my highest place to seat. Suddenly she turned around, away from me. That’s been the mistake. How could she? How could she DARE? That’s it, there’s a piece of wood lying on the ground between the flowers I gave her. She threw them away. Like she threw her life away at the moment she told me that she loves me. I took the piece of wood and followed her. I haunted her until she turned around again. But there it was too late. Her lips formed the three words. I- number one-bang, the wooden piece hit her head the first time, her eyes started gazing at me. Love- number two-crack the second time I heard bones crush, blood ran out of her red lips. Oh so red and soft… You-number three-her eyes broke, she fell down to the ground. Three words, three hits. Breathless I looked down to what I’ve done. You know, you just notice, how much you can miss something if it’s away. I had to learn this the hard way.
So, now you know what I did. Shame on me, I know. But that’s not the real thing I feel ashamed about. I just feel ashamed, that I had to lose her, to realize that I really love her. Yes I did. And I still do so.
Now I’m looking down to the place it happened, my throne has crumbled, my crown rusted away like her life faded, countless corpses pile up on my pile of corpses and I’m standing there, I the lying piece, a waste of space. Rain falls on the ground, the soil which covers her. Rain. Heaven’s tears. A single tear rolls down my cheek by time I say “I love you”. Three words. I love you. I am sorry. I hate you. No, I lied. I love you. I killed her. “Murderer”, the voice is whispering.
There’s nothing what could hold me here anymore. Since she has gone, I’m empty. She took away my luck, the colors and the joy. You know mate, love is just like live. Both are just gimmicks of a jokeless clown who’s giggling an empty, evil melody. This melody was playing in my head as I stood there and thought over my live. Waste.
Just a waste of words, not more. Without her, I’m nothing, that the sad truth. But hey, if life’s not worth living, without her, I will follow her. Yeah, love is a pretty strange thing, isn’t it? It plays unfair and cruel and it lasts even longer than your life. Love knows no age and time, it’s just there. Even over death. There’s just one word remained to be said. The last one, I guess. So, I pull the trigger, I’ll be with her, soon. Love is just like her, I believe. The only thing they left, is a bloody hole inside my chest.
I love you. One last word to add: forever.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 13.08.2011
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'Cause some things are best left unspoken.