Four years. Four years of love, happiness and heartbreak. Who would’ve thought love could be the best feeling but yet the worst pain. Unbearable but yet unliveable. I wouldn’t of known what love was until I found him, and so I suffer every blinking day and he knows it. The worst part is that he doesn’t love me back, giving him the advantage of attention from me then throwing all I’ve done for him back in my face. If he only felt how I felt, he’d understand. Sure, he’s offered to get out of my life; but what is love when there is no one to love? I’d rather him stay in my life than feel the pain of him being there and ignoring me.
Love is the greatest gift God ever gave man, to woman. It’s not wanting to go anywhere without him, you don’t care what other people think about the two of you, they are the only one that matters. Love is when you feel depressed and sickly when you're not with him, you feel like your life has no meaning, no purpose. Love is caring for them physically and emotionally. It's telling them everyday, anytime, anywhere, everywhere, for no reason, that you love them. You feel that if they weren’t holding your hand you would float away and so you realise that its not the earth holding you to the ground anymore, its him. He is your gravity.
It's the feeling that you would give up everything just to see them smile, to see them happy, you just want to look into their eyes, and fall in love over and over. ‘Cuddle up to them and the only thing which make you happy is their soft soothing voice. It’s the feeling you get when all you have to do is think of them and it brings a smile to your face and you’re happy the rest of the day. Love is pure happiness. It’s not being able to think about nothing but him, see nothing but him, hear nothing but him. Love is wishing your time with him never ends, that, that he'd be in your arms till the end of time, that you could cuddle with him for all of eternity. Love is telling him you want to spend the rest of your life with him, you wanting to marry him and without a doubt to be faithful. That you would do anything and everything for him. And in the end you know he’s worth every bit of effort.
He’s not exactly the fittest boy I’ve seen, or the kindest, but there’s something about him that makes me feel attracted to him. Like I’m drawn; He is the earth and I am the moon. Small. Blank. Pointless. I cant even look at him with out me wanting to break down and cry and even if I did, my stomach would flip. I thought the world of him, it was like no one else mattered. No other boy mattered. As long as he’s in my life, I cant be around another lad with out feeling uncomfortable because all I see is him. In my mind. Constantly. He said he doesn’t want to get in the way. But that's not for him to chose, he is not the reason, love is.
When I’m near him i feel invisible. I could be in a room full of hundreds of people and he would be the only person I would notice. While I could be standing there screaming at the top of my lungs for him to hear me and I feel he would stare a blank eye at me then turn away. No emotion. Nothing. That’s what it feels like; every single day of my life I am tormented by a scream; my chest throbbing; my heart pounding and every little bit of me falling to pieces. I just want him to come take away the pain, make it all better. If he’d hurt me, I’d forgive him. I don’t see his mistakes ‘cause attention is all i want from him. Him hurting me emotionally is the only bit of him I feel.
When I come to ask myself, how do I feel about him? I become speechless. I don’t know what love is, but if it is love, I don’t want to feel it like this. They say the love is like the wind, you cant see it but you can feel it all over, you don’t understand it. My friends say I don’t ‘love’ him and to get over him but those are the ones who don’t understand. If you’ve liked someone for four years, it’s impossible to get over them in a short given time. If you do- you never actually liked them. If you get over them in a long given time… you never loved them. I’m not aiming to get over him. I’m aiming to learn to live without him. And if what I felt wasn’t actually love, then achieving my aim would be easier than I expected.
Once High School is over, I plan to start over. Find a boy I can actually love with happiness and not cry over them. Actually settle down with a long relationship rather than 5 month relationships each time. Find a lad who respects me and loves me back. I’ve always wanted a fairy-tale life, where everything has a happy endings. I wish I could have a romance like those in the movies, were everything seems so perfect. But right now that seems impossible. Fairy-tales are just fantasy and movies are just make believe. In my life, in my fantasy, my movie, its different. With out him; my life is incomplete. My life is no fairy tale, or no movie but those movies always say the same thing- love makes you blind. And that's exactly what I am. Blind.
The rain patted rhythmically against the window. I was sat up in my bed leaning against the cold glass. Time slowed as I watched each little drop of rain glide down, pacing with the tears that fell down my cheek. The sky was dark and the only light I saw came from the dim street lamps outside. Silence came upon me. I couldn’t think, breathe, hear or even see straight. The thought of him took over my mind while the image of him consumed my brain. How could he be so harsh? He knew how I felt about him! I felt anger rage up inside me, a fire grew and spread through my heart and i clenched my fists from the emotional pain. I let out a cry and the tears were now streaming down my face. My forehead banged against the glass and I twisted my face to the side. I brought up my knees then gripped them protectively. My eyes became focused onto a part on my bed and I stared blankly at it. They became swelled and red from the tears and mascara was stained right down to my jaw. I didn’t care what I looked like, I don’t care if I’m hurt; the only thing I want is him here to hold me. To say he’s sorry and that everything will be okay. To tell me I’m always going to be his and nothing will ever come between us. But I guess that isn’t going to happen, nothing ever goes right for me!
I threw my self back violently onto the bed and drown out my cries with my face imbedded in my pillow. Everything we have; everything we had; turned into nothing. I just cant put up with the pain that he causes me. It seems that he doesn’t know how to deal with these situations, but that doesn’t mean he can just leave me like this, just when I thought I had him figured out he goes and hurts me again. People can try and take away my pain but something keeps me holding on to him, causing me more pain; I just don’t know what, I cant let go. I wont. I cant breathe when I think of him, I can't sleep with him going through my head each night; and it was from that moment I realised I was in love with him. My first love gave me my first heartbreak. And the funny thing was nothing has happened between us. Nothing will happen, I knew it and, I feared it. Life would be so much easier if I could get over him. Instead I have to sit here crying my eyes out thinking about what we could’ve been and how he upset me.
I leaned up and supported myself with my fore arms and I wiped my eyes and tried to stable my emotions. I can’t cry over him because he doesn’t care. I know he doesn’t… he just wanted me to believe all his innocent lies. I turned onto my back and pulled the bed covers over me and gripped it closely to my chin. Everything around me was blurry and my room was silent. I stared at the ceiling and counted every little freckle of faded paint to keep my mind occupied. I was soon fast asleep.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 18.10.2011
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