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The Alternative War

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The Alternative War
Yin ventures into an abandoned house with his two best friends, Marcus, and Bella; Marcus' twin sister. Each holding a power unknown to them, until they fall through a portal running from an animal they have never seen before. When they wake, they have no idea where, or when, they are. Yin, not knowing who he really is, meets a another that looks exactly like him. His otherworldly twin. This males name is, Zenn. Holder of one of the lost arts, which he uses to try and make the world bow down to him. Yin and his friends must awaken their own powers and lead groups of survivors who teach the three how to use this power, so they can stop Zenn.

Beiträge und Kommentare
Wichtiger Beitrag
Bones52

If Yin is the main character, you should put more of the third person in favor of him. Like in paragraph 6, sentence 1: (granted, this is the only example I could pick off for on a second)
"Bella had short hair, just as black as her brothers."
A little correction could make the reader (and as well as Bella) more connected to Yin.
"Bella carried short hair across her head, and it was as dark as her brother's black hair."
Actually,... mehr anzeigen

2 Kommentare
Yin Southpaw

thank you for your criticism i will be sure to take that you said into concideration

WinterNyala

@Bones I understand what you are saying, but have in mind, this is only the beginning of the book. Yin, is not the sole main character. Granted, in chapter one it seems like he will be the only main character and the story looks like it revolves around him, but no. Bella and... mehr anzeigen

Wichtiger Beitrag
RevkenR

Interesting, flows well,and is very descriptive. I did notice you used then, when you should have used than, Probably just a typo.

Altogether good job.

3 Kommentare
Yin Southpaw

thank you very much and i see what your talking about i didn't notice it ill make sure to correct it when i post chapter two

WinterNyala

@Revkenr. If you can specify where this typo is, we can fix it easier. Thanks.

~Winter

RevkenR

>Winter
Good point.

Wichtiger Beitrag
Darkirewolf

Can't wait to read it. Sounds interesting!

2 Kommentare
Suri's Library

Oh hey o:
I just heard about this book from a member of my group Anything Mythical :P have you read it yet? and is it good? :P

Yin Southpaw

yes there is and only the prologue is up at the moment editing the chapters is taking longer than expected sorry, but i do really appreciate your patience thank you

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