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A fatal mistake

Von:
A fatal mistake
Jake is standing on the edge of a cliff. He is desperate and wants to jump. Monika, a friend from school tries to stop him. Can she succeed or will fate take an unexpected turn?

I rummaged around in my chest and dug out this baby. This is one of my first works from 1990.

People act and are fictitious. Resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Stichwörter: 
mistake, boy, girl, love, devil
Beiträge und Kommentare
Wichtiger Beitrag
bookzilla

i really enjoyed this story - you have such creative ideas! i know that you have been having some trouble tranlating from german to english, so i thought i would give you a little help! here are some things to fix:

page 8
"had dark, blond hair" could be changed to "with dark, blond hair" and that will help the flow.

"raised his hand" should probably be "raided his hands" because most people use both hands to stop somebody

"looked... mehr anzeigen

Wichtiger Beitrag
gooduklady

Hmmmmm. That was a very strange story with an even more unexpected ending. I am not certain how to react to it, to tell you the truth. I have a feeling you may have written this initially in German, and had it translated. If this is the case, then perhaps that is why it sounds a little stilted and unnatural in places. You probably could use a native English speaking editor to help you get your tenses and grammar in perfect... mehr anzeigen

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