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A humorous short story Von:
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This is the first short story I have ever written... and I wrote it on Monday. A girl is looking for something she lost... something VERY important. And, she has to find it QUICKLY... or she will be in HUGE trouble. ENJOY!!

Beiträge und Kommentare
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Gelöschter User

I like the idea of the story and, in the beginning, it is really good. I get a little confused when the story stops being about the girl and starts being about the snake. Am I missing something? Either way, it was a nice little read.

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robbedbygreed

It's a cute short story.

However, I do have some small critiques :

There were no paragraphs in the whole entire story. You should probably fix that ;)

Now, I LOVED the beginning. I was on the edge of my seat trying to guess what 'it' was! Bravo on that part!

However, the story seemed to end a bit quickly with the snake leaving and the girl not going after it! And it ended in the snake's point of view instead of the girls. But it... mehr anzeigen

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Gelöschter User

That was funny to have the mother find the it and she started screaming.

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guidedgal

This was way too short. What I read was written well and definitely reeled me in. I look forward reading the elaboration of your beginning, middle and end of your story.

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J.C. Laird

Paragraph, paragraph, paragraph your narrative!

And your story was too short to just abruptly cut it off with the snake leaving, especially switching to his viewpoint for the ending.

Now, having been critical, I want to compliment you on the beginning. You started off well and I was curious as to where it was going. If you would have lengthened your story somewhat, you might have been able to develop it more successfully.

1 Kommentar
stormstar1

I am unable to fix that until Monday unfortunately. The reason it is in that format is because I had forgotten my thumbdrive at home (was at school at the time) and remembered that I had sent it in an email to one of my friends for their opinion. I never got around to changing... mehr anzeigen

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stormstar1

Would you believe this is the very first short story I have ever written? Awesome huh? :D

Thank you very much for the kind comments... and hearts. :D

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judycolella

That was absolutely adorable! Love the two points of view and the humor! You go, Jazz!

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Poetwriter2011

You have written a very interesting story with a surprise ending. I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

Very good!

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stormstar1

You almost scared me there. and no dad, it was not... THAT. haha. Amazing. Only you commented on it. sad day.

1 Kommentar
stormstar1

not anymore though.

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