Your impression on the main characters appears to be incorrect. Both have been given their due share. I agree with you that Madhura Rao was ignored and insulted in the park. Purohit should have used his wisdom to calm the situation.Purohit was cornered not twice but thrice. Once in city bus, second time in the park and the third occasion of return without seeing the dead body of Madhura.
The main characters in the story Laxman Purohit and Madhura Rao did not enjoy the covetable role. Rao was ignored and insulted in the park. Purohit failed to convince Sujata for the misunderstanding created with Madhura. Purohit being a top level manager of the bank, had to face embarassing situation once in the park surrounded by the friends and another adamant nature of Soumya not allowing him to see the dead body of Madhura.
Your plot is good; but not forceful.
Main character should be still more effective. Situation of the story is suitable. Your description of park is good. This is the place, where lovers express love from the heart. To fall in love there is no age, as you have depicted