Rap, I hope this works.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=gJ1Mz7kGVf0&feature=endscreen

**
JACK (age 3)**was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?*'

*

STEVEN (age 3) *
*hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you
die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.' **

**
BRITTANY (age 4)**
had an ear ache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid
off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a
child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder,
the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'**

**
SUSAN (age 4)*
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this
juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough...'**

**
DJ (age 4) *
*stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

**
CLINTON (age 5) *
was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling
him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.
How will my wife fit in it?'**

MARC (age 4) *
was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a
restaurant. Without
taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
**
TAMMY(age 4)
was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman
her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'

**
JAMES (age 4) *
was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:'The man named Lot was
warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened
to the flea?

*Kids say the darndest things...**

I don't think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon...*

*'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and
a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without You, we are but
dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt
dust?'

You can call me loco when I give you coco,
Cause we know how you get when you have a little bit

Now I want to be clear here. It is not my intent to Offend anyone. If you are a redneck, you are free to use any of these security systems. If you are not a redneck then you may disregard this message.

Whether it's a fully integrated electronic security system or a bit more of a DIY effort, we all have our own idea of what it takes to protect our family and homes. Well, we think the DIY type is a bit more interesting so, in an effort to celebrate the creative survivalist spirit, we've compiled a gallery of redneck home security systems a group of folks that have created their own sense of security.

THE OBJECTIVE: To Protect this Fine Redneck Penthouse
Of course, in order to necessitate the use of a full-blown redneck home security system, you'll need a suitable redneck home to make it all worth while. Can we suggest this luxury high-rise penthouse? Not only does this "loft" styled home have two entrances (front and back access) and a state-of-the-art load-bearing foundation (one cross beam), but also the silver finish is an extremely contemporary look.

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-penthouse.jpg

THE EQUIPMENT: The list of the DIY security measures necessary to protect your upscale home and the many valuables and investments within.

Bring out the Big Guns
When it comes to protecting his home, this Joe Diffie look-alike isn't just concealing a subtle handgun, or even a hand cannon like a .44 Magnum. Nope, this fella brings truth to the statement, Guns don't kill people, people with mustaches kill people.

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-big-airgun.jpg

The Great Wall of Trash and Tires
When it comes to keeping people out of your home, some would use a gate, some would use an electric fence and some would even go as far as a mote filled with alligators but not the Rednecks. Nope, they've chosen The Great Wall of Trash and Tires to both create a barrier, as well as, demonstrate that they have nothing of any worth to be stolen.

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-tire-wall.jpg

A Written Warning
Our guess is that the owner of this establishment has been knocked-off one too many times and has decided to deliver a preemptive message to any would-be intruders. Enter at your own risk and don't say you weren't warned!

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-security-sign.jpg

The New ADT
Anyone can pay thousands of dollars per year to have an ADT Security Systems installed and monitoring your home around the clock but, for a fraction of the price, Allan, Dave and Timmy can do their part to keep the perimeter secure. Hell, they'll even throw in a Cletus for free.

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-adt.jpg

The Patrol Car
If you own the kind of house or property that requires a mobile security system to patrol the perimeter, you might want to look to this visionary as an example of greatness. Not only would this mobile machine gun take out any lone intruder, but we're thinking an entire militia if pressed.

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-patrol-car.jpg

The Redneck Scarecrow
When it comes to warding off unwanted animal intruders, a simple scarecrow has been known to work wonders but with this rednecktacular invention, the innovative hick has found a way to ward off other rednecks. By propping up a riding lawnmower, he's hoping the blades will plant a seed of fear in those that are getting a bit too close for comfort.

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-scarecrow.jpg

The Airsoft Militia
As we all know, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. That said, you don't need a 8-foot rifle like Joe above to protect your home like an army of bees, you can always sting an intruder a couple hundred times with a relentless barrage of airsoft fire. Let's be honest, no man, no matter how tough, would walk through a wall of plastic BBs and pellets!

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-airsoft-militia.jpg

The Shooting Messenger
Although this written notice takes an informative tone that sounds a bit more like a Surgeon General's Warning than it does a cold-blooded killer, the overall message is just as clear. Don't tread on me!
http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-messenger.jpg

Beware of Dogs
Of course, when electronics and firearms have failed, you can always look to man's best friend for a little home protection. Between the smellers, the yippers, the listeners and the muscle, if you pick the right breeds, you can use their innate strengths to have all of your bases covered.

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-house-alarm.jpg

Beer Can Noise Trap
If the intruders have ignored your signs, managed to bypass your Great Wall of Trash and somehow snuck past the guard dogs, they'll never suspect this crafty noise trap. Even in pitch black, once they hit this field of beer-can-land-mines, theyre cover will be blown for sure. Clank Clank

Clank!

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-noise-trap.jpg

ADT vs. Heavy Artillery
Can't argue with this. If you were up against the loud beeping of an electronic ADT security system or the successive fire of this belligerent firing squad, our guess is that most any crook would likely take the excessive beeping over these blazing bullets. As an added bonus, the explosions even provide night vision!

Ummmmm?
We understand how the bikini underwear and the collection of handguns might scare off a couple of intruders but we're not quite sure where the Guitar Hero guitars come into play. Our best estimate is that he's trying to say, Don't mess with me ... I'm tough and talented!

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/airgundepot/redneck-gear.jpg

Discovery of a New Element

The Department of Science has discovered the heaviest element yet known
to science.


The new element is Governmentium(Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312.


These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called
peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a
reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to
four years to complete.


Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.


In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.


This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.


When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has
half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is
consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

It seems that our writers are just not into writing jokes, so what is there to laugh about?

xD

This is a contest for Jokes that are not Original. Any Old Joke will do. In fact the older the better.

That being said, here is an example.

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:



1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.



2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.



3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.



4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.



6. If all is not lost, where is it?



7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.



8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.



9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.



11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.



12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.



13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.



14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.



15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?



16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.



17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.



18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.



20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

ok i just made this up:

the awkward moment when you walk in to a door and it's not even made out of glass...